07/07: Top 10 Deadliest Animals and How You Can Thwart Their Imminent Attacks
According to the Internet, these are the most dangerous creatures found on our planet. As is the Hardcore Journalism style, I eschewed actual research for the much more effective method I call "racking my brain" in order to figure out how to stop them.
African Lion
"Giant fangs? Check. Lightning quick? That too. Razor sharp claws? You betcha. Hungry? You better hope not. These big cats are near perfect hunters."
With relaxed immigration laws, more and more tigers and cheetahs are appearing in our nation's cities. How long until you are face-to-face with a ravenous lion on the subway or in a bar? I give you one more month. The only way to stop a lion once and for all is to quickly grab it by the tail, swing it around your head, then let it fly into the air, giving you ample time to head to your nearest sporting-goods store to purchase a bow and arrow. As the enraged cat races towards you, aim for the heart, or right between the eyes. If your shot is true, the lion will burst into flames and a portal will open, sending the beast straight to hell for all eternity.
Cape Buffalo
"When faced with a predator, cape buffaloes charge head on. That's 1,500 pounds of beast topped off with two big, sharp horns. You're lucky if there's only one--the real danger comes when a herd of thousands stampedes in your direction."
Like many supposedly dangerous creatures on this list, it really depends on the setting of the battle. If you're fighting a wildebeast on its home turf, you are definitely at a disadvantage. There are not many places to hide on the open plains of South Dakota. However, if you are inside of a tank or a house, you will last much longer, because their horns are not strong enough to break through the metal armor of a tank, and buffalo are afraid to charge upstairs if you make it to the second floor/attic. That being said, if you are putting yourself in the position where you could encounter even a small stampede, you are taking too many risks in life and should think about sitting down to re-prioritize things. To make matters worse, it's a cape buffalo, which gives you a 10% chance it is also a vampire, 4% it's a superhero, and 0.03% both (see: Morbius, Blade, Vampirella).
Elephant
"Not every elephant is as friendly as Dumbo. Elephants kill more than 500 people a year worldwide. African elephants generally weigh in around 16,000 pounds--all the better to stomp you with--not to mention their sharp tusks."
Elephants are bloodthirsty, surprisingly agile, and insane. The massive, sentient trunk can coil around your body and grind your bones into dust, or knock you senseless with a blast of pure snot. Labyrinthine ears clap together to create a sonic boom capable of making your vital organs explode. Razor-sharp ivory tusks running through your eye-sockets like a dick through a pussy. I'd sooner go into the Tasmanian jungle blindfolded than set one foot in a circus tent. Their only known weakness are mice, so if you suspect a 'phant is stalking you, a trip to the local costume shop is imperative. (But you know what? They don't specify if it's an adult elephant or not. If it's a baby, you could just stop it to death or give the mother an abortion.)
Great White Shark
"Blood in the water can excite these sharks into a feeding frenzy, where they'll use all 3,000 of their teeth to bite anything that moves."
Environmentalists will have you believe "man is more dangerous to sharks than sharks are to man." Well what are the odds of some dude at the community swimming pool suddenly developing the ability to breathe underwater and bite your fucking arm off at the shoulder? Only 11%, so I wouldn't worry about it. There are no humans with three rows of razor-sharp teeth, aside from singer Jewel. If you've seen "Jaws," you know that the only way to kill a GWS is to blow it up by shooting the pressurized air in its mouth (after it eats Robert Shaw). Plus, there is no fucking way anything has 3,000 teeth, that is a gross overestimation.
Australian Saltwater Crocodile
"Don't mistake this croc for a log! It can lay still in the water, waiting for passers-by. Then, in the blink of an eye, it'll lunge at prey, pulling it under water to drown and dismember."
The muscles in a crocodile's jaws are capable of exerting 3,000 lbs. per square inch of power, whatever the fuck that even means. What's important to note is that those muscles are for closing, the muscles for opening its mouth, however, are very weak, so if you are dumb enough to get that close, and the croc happens to be chewing gum or something, you can hold its jaws shut. The problem is, what's step 2? A well-placed head-butt? Try and reposition yourself for a rear naked choke? That's when they go for the death-roll and drown you. What if you carry snorkeling equipment at all times? It doesn't matter, their tiny little legs are too small for you to attempt a proper arm-bar, and there are no referees in the bayou. Take my advice: don't fight a crocodile.
Australian Box Jellyfish
"Also known as the sea wasp, this salad-bowl sized jellyfish can have up to 60 tentacles each 15 feet long. Each tentacle has 5,000 stinging cells and enough toxin to kill 60 humans."
Call it a hunch, but it seems to me the obvious way to protect yourself against the sting of a jellyfish would be to coat your body in peanut butter. Regardless of what your mother used to insinuate at lunchtime, PB&J are polar opposites and do not belong together. Unless it's that Goober Grape stuff that came swirled together in one jar. Anyways, it's a crapshoot; some creamy Jif will create an impenetrable (and lip-smackin' delicious) barrier between you and the tentacles of death, but everyone knows nuts are a notorious piranha magnet, so spread at your own risk or you could end up in a real jam. (By the way, who is using different-sized bowls to measure sea creatures?)
Asian Cobra
"While the Asian Cobra doesn't hold the title of most venomous snake, it does the most with what it has. Of the 50,000 deaths by snakebite a year, Asian Cobras are responsible for the largest chunk."
I would call this the Walter Payton of snakes--he wasn't the fastest or the strongest runner, but he was more than the sum of his parts and held the all-time rushing record. Think of all the horrific cobras the world has been cursed with: the devil in the Garden of Eden, the GI Joe villains, Daniel Larusso's foes at the All-Valley Karate Tournament, and worst of all, the Sylvester Stallone movie. Throw in the fact that they're Asian, which implies knowledge of at least five martial arts, including--but not limited to--Kung Fu, Aikido, and Bukakke--and you've got a real time-constrictor on your hands.
Polar Bear
"Sure they might look cuddly at the zoo, but in the wild they eat elephant seals for breakfast. Get between one and its cub and it could easily rip off your head with one swipe of its giant paw."
When it comes to bear attacks, wisenheimers will usually joke, "You don't have to run faster than the bear, you just have to run faster than the guy behind you. In this case, you probably just have to run faster than the zoo-keeper or the 3rd-graders on a field trip, because you are never going to magically find yourself in the arctic, you deluded fuck.
Mosquito
"Most skeeter bites just make you itch. But some mosquitoes carry and transfer malaria-causing parasites. As a result, these little pests are responsible for the deaths of more than 2,000,000 people a year."
No one gets malaria anymore, but an irritating skin welt is much more insidious and virulent than you might think. The itching makes you scratch it, which can make it even worse. Then you keep scratching, because it still itches, so you start bleeding and your mom gives you the "Skeeter Stick" which looks like of like lip gloss but doesn't really help. Next thing you know, you have little scabs all over your arms and legs and you look like an idiot and none of the other kids at the resort will talk to you. Summer ruined.
Poison Dart Frog
"These pint-sized frogs aren't for kissing. Their backs ooze a slimy neurotoxin that is meant to keep predators away. Each frog produces enough of the toxin to kill 10 humans."
If you see one, you're already dead.
African Lion
"Giant fangs? Check. Lightning quick? That too. Razor sharp claws? You betcha. Hungry? You better hope not. These big cats are near perfect hunters."
With relaxed immigration laws, more and more tigers and cheetahs are appearing in our nation's cities. How long until you are face-to-face with a ravenous lion on the subway or in a bar? I give you one more month. The only way to stop a lion once and for all is to quickly grab it by the tail, swing it around your head, then let it fly into the air, giving you ample time to head to your nearest sporting-goods store to purchase a bow and arrow. As the enraged cat races towards you, aim for the heart, or right between the eyes. If your shot is true, the lion will burst into flames and a portal will open, sending the beast straight to hell for all eternity.
Cape Buffalo
"When faced with a predator, cape buffaloes charge head on. That's 1,500 pounds of beast topped off with two big, sharp horns. You're lucky if there's only one--the real danger comes when a herd of thousands stampedes in your direction."
Like many supposedly dangerous creatures on this list, it really depends on the setting of the battle. If you're fighting a wildebeast on its home turf, you are definitely at a disadvantage. There are not many places to hide on the open plains of South Dakota. However, if you are inside of a tank or a house, you will last much longer, because their horns are not strong enough to break through the metal armor of a tank, and buffalo are afraid to charge upstairs if you make it to the second floor/attic. That being said, if you are putting yourself in the position where you could encounter even a small stampede, you are taking too many risks in life and should think about sitting down to re-prioritize things. To make matters worse, it's a cape buffalo, which gives you a 10% chance it is also a vampire, 4% it's a superhero, and 0.03% both (see: Morbius, Blade, Vampirella).
Elephant
"Not every elephant is as friendly as Dumbo. Elephants kill more than 500 people a year worldwide. African elephants generally weigh in around 16,000 pounds--all the better to stomp you with--not to mention their sharp tusks."
Elephants are bloodthirsty, surprisingly agile, and insane. The massive, sentient trunk can coil around your body and grind your bones into dust, or knock you senseless with a blast of pure snot. Labyrinthine ears clap together to create a sonic boom capable of making your vital organs explode. Razor-sharp ivory tusks running through your eye-sockets like a dick through a pussy. I'd sooner go into the Tasmanian jungle blindfolded than set one foot in a circus tent. Their only known weakness are mice, so if you suspect a 'phant is stalking you, a trip to the local costume shop is imperative. (But you know what? They don't specify if it's an adult elephant or not. If it's a baby, you could just stop it to death or give the mother an abortion.)
Great White Shark
"Blood in the water can excite these sharks into a feeding frenzy, where they'll use all 3,000 of their teeth to bite anything that moves."
Environmentalists will have you believe "man is more dangerous to sharks than sharks are to man." Well what are the odds of some dude at the community swimming pool suddenly developing the ability to breathe underwater and bite your fucking arm off at the shoulder? Only 11%, so I wouldn't worry about it. There are no humans with three rows of razor-sharp teeth, aside from singer Jewel. If you've seen "Jaws," you know that the only way to kill a GWS is to blow it up by shooting the pressurized air in its mouth (after it eats Robert Shaw). Plus, there is no fucking way anything has 3,000 teeth, that is a gross overestimation.
Australian Saltwater Crocodile
"Don't mistake this croc for a log! It can lay still in the water, waiting for passers-by. Then, in the blink of an eye, it'll lunge at prey, pulling it under water to drown and dismember."
The muscles in a crocodile's jaws are capable of exerting 3,000 lbs. per square inch of power, whatever the fuck that even means. What's important to note is that those muscles are for closing, the muscles for opening its mouth, however, are very weak, so if you are dumb enough to get that close, and the croc happens to be chewing gum or something, you can hold its jaws shut. The problem is, what's step 2? A well-placed head-butt? Try and reposition yourself for a rear naked choke? That's when they go for the death-roll and drown you. What if you carry snorkeling equipment at all times? It doesn't matter, their tiny little legs are too small for you to attempt a proper arm-bar, and there are no referees in the bayou. Take my advice: don't fight a crocodile.
Australian Box Jellyfish
"Also known as the sea wasp, this salad-bowl sized jellyfish can have up to 60 tentacles each 15 feet long. Each tentacle has 5,000 stinging cells and enough toxin to kill 60 humans."
Call it a hunch, but it seems to me the obvious way to protect yourself against the sting of a jellyfish would be to coat your body in peanut butter. Regardless of what your mother used to insinuate at lunchtime, PB&J are polar opposites and do not belong together. Unless it's that Goober Grape stuff that came swirled together in one jar. Anyways, it's a crapshoot; some creamy Jif will create an impenetrable (and lip-smackin' delicious) barrier between you and the tentacles of death, but everyone knows nuts are a notorious piranha magnet, so spread at your own risk or you could end up in a real jam. (By the way, who is using different-sized bowls to measure sea creatures?)
Asian Cobra
"While the Asian Cobra doesn't hold the title of most venomous snake, it does the most with what it has. Of the 50,000 deaths by snakebite a year, Asian Cobras are responsible for the largest chunk."
I would call this the Walter Payton of snakes--he wasn't the fastest or the strongest runner, but he was more than the sum of his parts and held the all-time rushing record. Think of all the horrific cobras the world has been cursed with: the devil in the Garden of Eden, the GI Joe villains, Daniel Larusso's foes at the All-Valley Karate Tournament, and worst of all, the Sylvester Stallone movie. Throw in the fact that they're Asian, which implies knowledge of at least five martial arts, including--but not limited to--Kung Fu, Aikido, and Bukakke--and you've got a real time-constrictor on your hands.
Polar Bear
"Sure they might look cuddly at the zoo, but in the wild they eat elephant seals for breakfast. Get between one and its cub and it could easily rip off your head with one swipe of its giant paw."
When it comes to bear attacks, wisenheimers will usually joke, "You don't have to run faster than the bear, you just have to run faster than the guy behind you. In this case, you probably just have to run faster than the zoo-keeper or the 3rd-graders on a field trip, because you are never going to magically find yourself in the arctic, you deluded fuck.
Mosquito
"Most skeeter bites just make you itch. But some mosquitoes carry and transfer malaria-causing parasites. As a result, these little pests are responsible for the deaths of more than 2,000,000 people a year."
No one gets malaria anymore, but an irritating skin welt is much more insidious and virulent than you might think. The itching makes you scratch it, which can make it even worse. Then you keep scratching, because it still itches, so you start bleeding and your mom gives you the "Skeeter Stick" which looks like of like lip gloss but doesn't really help. Next thing you know, you have little scabs all over your arms and legs and you look like an idiot and none of the other kids at the resort will talk to you. Summer ruined.
Poison Dart Frog
"These pint-sized frogs aren't for kissing. Their backs ooze a slimy neurotoxin that is meant to keep predators away. Each frog produces enough of the toxin to kill 10 humans."
If you see one, you're already dead.