27/06: Who Needs a Date? Emergency Kate Gosselin Edition
She's officially back on the market, fellas. Obviously, every dude out there wants a shot at a freshly-liberated, castrating harpy with 50 kids who lives in a mansion far from civilization. But who deserves this modern-day Rapunzel? After a good 20 minutes of thought, I've narrowed it down to a few select choices who could fit her bitchy ying with their itchy yang.
Michael Jackson's Dead Body --I don't own any Michael Jackson albums, don't know anyone else who does, and I can't think of any Michael Jackson songs that I like (or if he's even recorded one since the magical theme to Free Willy). I do know that he was really into fashion, dancing, and plastic surgery, which apparently made his music better so people loved him more? He also paid big money so he could allegedly molest kids or something. The worst part is that with all the MTV coverage on the day of his death, they pre-empted the new episode of "16 and Pregnant," thus ruining my entire week. We as a nation are picking MJ to over-mourn, when there are plenty of more deserving celebs who died in the past few years, such as writer Kurt Vonnegut, comedian George Carlin, and actress Farah Fawcett--people who really made contributions to mankind. Kate would be happy to go steady with Jacko because he would never talk back and loved children (but won't be able to diddle them because he is dead--that's a textbook win-win). If it's illegal to marry a dead body, this selection will change to either Macauly Culkin or Corey Feldman, depending on whichever of them is currently divorced and eligible.
President Obama --Aside from backing off on every single one of his campaign promises, Barack hasn't had a good scandal yet, and the best kind is always a torrid love affair. Sneaking away for a steamy shopping spree at Kids Gap, getting reservations at Dairy Queen 45 minutes before you arrive because you're ordering for ten people which is equal to a little-league team and their coach, appointments with the White House plastic surgeon for a consultation on Kate's massive taint scarring, in other words--true romance. Once the indiscretions are discovered (probably the day they begin), the scandal could actually benefit the Prez, as it would continue to keep the media from reporting on the fact that congress just approved $90,000,000 more for war, we just bombed Pakistan, he upheld the federal "gay marriage is bad, m'kay?" law, he's about to royally screw up health care, and the House is looking at a Climate/Energy bill that includes proposals from "Shell Oil, the coal-burning utility Duke Energy, and other corporate polluters.*" But any time I make fun of him in public, all I hear is, "Hey man, give him a chance, he just got into office."
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe --Just like Kate, this broad also had so many kids that she didn't know what to do. Judging by Kate's hairstyle--which looks like two of her kids tried to shave the back while another three yanked on her bangs--she is definitely harboring some amount of lesbian curiosity, and who better to experiment with than a character in a nursery rhyme who she has so much in common with?
O.J. Simpson --I don't really need to explain this one, do I?
Marilyn Manson --The Anti-Christ Pooperstar only shows up in the public eye when he gets a new slightly eccentric girlfriend. After dumping Dita Von Skeez for Evan Rachel Dud, it's only a matter of time before he needs to find a new suitorette, and what would shock the Christian right more than TLC airing Manson's make-over special, including scenes of him applying goth make-up to the kids' faces and fitting them for elevator boots and bondage gear?
Someone Who Will Make Her Wash Her Feet --Seriously, the only episode I've ever seen was the big divorce extravaganza, and during her interviews she had her bare feet up on the coffee table right in front of the camera, and they were nearly black. It looked like she had walked through a pig sty the day after someone treated the whole farm to dinner at the Old Country Buffet. Does she work part-time as a nude chimney sweep while the brats are napping? I mean fuck, I know you've got your hands full with spanking sixteen ass cheeks and your book tour or whatever, but how long would it take to turn on the faucet and give your toes a once-over with a bar of Zest? Can't you at least try and walk on some food at some point so maybe the dog will lick them clean? God damn.
Ted Danson or Richard Simmons --I asked my brother-in-law who he thought she'd be compatible with, and those are what he came up with.
*A quote
More "Who Needs a Date?"
12/04, 1/05, 7/05, Emergency Britney Edition, 2/09
Michael Jackson's Dead Body --I don't own any Michael Jackson albums, don't know anyone else who does, and I can't think of any Michael Jackson songs that I like (or if he's even recorded one since the magical theme to Free Willy). I do know that he was really into fashion, dancing, and plastic surgery, which apparently made his music better so people loved him more? He also paid big money so he could allegedly molest kids or something. The worst part is that with all the MTV coverage on the day of his death, they pre-empted the new episode of "16 and Pregnant," thus ruining my entire week. We as a nation are picking MJ to over-mourn, when there are plenty of more deserving celebs who died in the past few years, such as writer Kurt Vonnegut, comedian George Carlin, and actress Farah Fawcett--people who really made contributions to mankind. Kate would be happy to go steady with Jacko because he would never talk back and loved children (but won't be able to diddle them because he is dead--that's a textbook win-win). If it's illegal to marry a dead body, this selection will change to either Macauly Culkin or Corey Feldman, depending on whichever of them is currently divorced and eligible.
President Obama --Aside from backing off on every single one of his campaign promises, Barack hasn't had a good scandal yet, and the best kind is always a torrid love affair. Sneaking away for a steamy shopping spree at Kids Gap, getting reservations at Dairy Queen 45 minutes before you arrive because you're ordering for ten people which is equal to a little-league team and their coach, appointments with the White House plastic surgeon for a consultation on Kate's massive taint scarring, in other words--true romance. Once the indiscretions are discovered (probably the day they begin), the scandal could actually benefit the Prez, as it would continue to keep the media from reporting on the fact that congress just approved $90,000,000 more for war, we just bombed Pakistan, he upheld the federal "gay marriage is bad, m'kay?" law, he's about to royally screw up health care, and the House is looking at a Climate/Energy bill that includes proposals from "Shell Oil, the coal-burning utility Duke Energy, and other corporate polluters.*" But any time I make fun of him in public, all I hear is, "Hey man, give him a chance, he just got into office."
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe --Just like Kate, this broad also had so many kids that she didn't know what to do. Judging by Kate's hairstyle--which looks like two of her kids tried to shave the back while another three yanked on her bangs--she is definitely harboring some amount of lesbian curiosity, and who better to experiment with than a character in a nursery rhyme who she has so much in common with?
O.J. Simpson --I don't really need to explain this one, do I?
Marilyn Manson --The Anti-Christ Pooperstar only shows up in the public eye when he gets a new slightly eccentric girlfriend. After dumping Dita Von Skeez for Evan Rachel Dud, it's only a matter of time before he needs to find a new suitorette, and what would shock the Christian right more than TLC airing Manson's make-over special, including scenes of him applying goth make-up to the kids' faces and fitting them for elevator boots and bondage gear?
Someone Who Will Make Her Wash Her Feet --Seriously, the only episode I've ever seen was the big divorce extravaganza, and during her interviews she had her bare feet up on the coffee table right in front of the camera, and they were nearly black. It looked like she had walked through a pig sty the day after someone treated the whole farm to dinner at the Old Country Buffet. Does she work part-time as a nude chimney sweep while the brats are napping? I mean fuck, I know you've got your hands full with spanking sixteen ass cheeks and your book tour or whatever, but how long would it take to turn on the faucet and give your toes a once-over with a bar of Zest? Can't you at least try and walk on some food at some point so maybe the dog will lick them clean? God damn.
Ted Danson or Richard Simmons --I asked my brother-in-law who he thought she'd be compatible with, and those are what he came up with.
*A quote
More "Who Needs a Date?"
12/04, 1/05, 7/05, Emergency Britney Edition, 2/09