Pat: The Magazine for Guys

During this fine week (or so) of hardcore journalism, we have looked at several beautiful, world-renowned women. Now let’s take a look at your life. The girls that came and went that easily could have been on this list if they had more talent, looks, or knew someone in show business. Chicks that you actually had a chance to score with, even if was a slight chance.

That gal at the bar after you’ve had six drinks and four shots of high-end scotch…
Face it, you’ve been there. Looking up from your pint glass to see a babe waiting for the hunchbacked bartender to finally take her order. Your eyes doing the dance between single and double vision. And through the blurred atmosphere this chick looks like the hottest thing to walk into the neon-infested room since the new deep fryers came in last spring. Sure you can’t make out any distinguishing facial features and the color of her eyes are better left to guessing, but damn, she’s hot. Is that cleavage or a belly? A hot ass or just one of her thighs? White teeth or a pearl necklace?

Some fucko said don’t sweat the small stuff, so why should you?

But since you accidentally poured the last quarter of your previous drink on your lap, making it look like you pissed your pants, you never got the courage to go up to her. Or the other eighteen chicks you thought were knockouts that night.

Advice: If she is still not hot after six drinks, go for it. Chances are she’s the only one in the bar with a perfect lack of self-esteem to continuously put up with your drunk ass.

Your second girlfriend’s best friend…

Remember those days? Everyone’s tits were perky. Stomachs were flat. Short shorts were flattering. Five inches of makeup didn’t have to cover up a decade of hedonism.

Yeah, back in the day when your hair wasn’t receding and you didn’t know the number to the pharmacy, you were dating a pretty hot chick. The first one that actually put out. But her friend…wow. Smoking. And a total slut. She sucked off at least three guys at that one party. And she always had a good bag of weed.

And she had eyes for you that one Saturday night. Remember? When your girlfriend had to go out of town to visit her aunt for some kind of intervention. You totally could have banged her if you didn’t have that fidelity stick lodged so far up your asshole it gave you a lobotomy. And she would have never told your girlfriend, because they were like… you know… best friends, but they hated each other.

Advice: Your window of opportunity totally slammed shut when she got the crabs. Now she has three kids, an ex-husband, and twenty-five thousand dollars in credit card debt. But you should have banged her, just for the hell of it.

More Advice: Your youth was as pathetic as your current life.

That chick at the Empty Bottle last month.
She was totally getting into the music. The rhythm of her hips hypnotized you. Instead of ironically drinking Old Style like half the city does these days, she was drinking a dark lager. Her tattoos didn’t scream pretentious--none of the “Asian“ symbols on obviously WASP skin. But she was with those two dorky guys--probably just token gay friends. And if one of them was banging her, you could have totally kicked both of their scrawny asses.

Did I mention she was totally rocking out?

Yeah, she was cool. And you were really going to talk to her after the last band got done, but then you got stuck in the pisser for awhile and she was gone.

You missed out again, asshole.

Advice: Chicks that rock are cool, but she would have totally run up your bar tab.

The chick that sometimes works in Aisle 6 at the Wal-Mart.
Yeah, yeah, I know, you only go there because toilet paper is real cheap.

Maybe it’s just because the majority of the Wal-Mart cashiers look burnt out and slightly inbred--as if somewhere deep in the Midwest there is a breeding compound/concentration camp for Wal-Mart employees. But she was different. The black mascara and two-toned hair was kind of rebellious in a everyone-does-it sort of way. Even with the blue smock her curves gave you a boner. She seemed to have at least most of her teeth. And she didn’t greet or even acknowledge you as she scanned your Angel Soft two-ply toilet paper.

Great customer service is for squares at fancy boutiques.

Advice: At least she’s working, and she probably gets a store discount. Stop using the fucking express lane if you have more than ten items, asshole.

The nurse that treated your head injury.
Since you couldn’t even catch a baseball in grade school, I don’t have any clue where you got the idea you would be great at any extreme sport…you uncoordinated fuck.

So I guess that week-long coma you went into proved me right.

But when you came out of it, there she was. Hotter than any gal you’ve ever seen after EIGHT drinks.

Yeah, that hot.

She lightly rubbed your bandaged head and told you it was going to be okay. All you could do is look up and try to remember just what the hell got you into this mess. But there was love in her eyes.

Yes, love. Not the kind of look she would give other patients. Especially that guy next to you with the congestive heart failure. And if you weren’t temporarily paralyzed from the waist down, there would be flimsy powder blue tent pitched at your midsection.

Unfortunately, you didn’t have any health insurance, so they had to kick you out hours after you came back to life. At least she wheeled you to the front entrance and gave a half-smile as the sliding doors closed.

Advice: At least with a head injury you will have a tangible reason why you’ll fuck up the rest of your life. Make sure you get a copy of the X-Rays.

Part 2: Five Chicks you won‘t get… (Pre or Post Head Injury.)

Lake Drowning Victim #1 in Lifeguard Training Video
Okay, she wasn’t totally hot, but she looked so pissed off as the rescuer (demonstrating the proper way to throw a life preserver to a distressed swimming victim) pulled her back to the shore. Her glistening light blonde hair contrasting the vomit gray-green of the lake made me think there was a point to all the horrible drudgery of everyday life. And that is the definition of sexy. If she looked pissed when she was getting her life saved, chances are she will looked pissed doing just about anything else in life. Somehow, you could use this to your advantage. And imagine the wedding photos!

Gloria
Her details are sparse--she’s 26 from California.* She wears a T-shirt that only goes down to the bottom of her breasts. Most importantly, she wants to be my friend. Probably yours, too! And if you asked me, any gal with barely any personal information that solicits you on Myspace has to be nothing else than a genuine, take-home-to-momma prize. It may be too soon to proclaim my love, but haste makes waste.

Face Shooting Victim on "CSI: New York"
One minute she was skipping through the city’s sidewalks sniffing flowers and smiling like she just got dicked. The next minute her face was blown off. Any gal that plays a role where her face gets blown off has to have a great personality along with her looks. And really, isn’t getting buckshot in the face a metaphor for the willingness for something else? Wink. Wink.

Liz Taylor like more than a half century ago
Long story short: So I see this old movie with a sizzling black and white chick. Even in a one-piece bathing suit her sexuality drips from the television set.** Most movie endings have this thing called “credits.” This is usually a scrolling list of the actors, producers, and key grips. That list told me the hot chick was Liz Taylor. My scattered memories of Lizzie consists of some older woman wearing too much make-up, so you could only imagine my gaped mouth stare as I realized Old Lizzie was something before the aging make-up junkie.

BBQ Enthusiast

Scurrying to find one more hot chick to add to this list because I am oblivious to popular culture, I flip through the television channels. If fate was ever on my side, it was the moment I hit the Food Network. There, in all her glory, a smudge of BBQ sauce accentuating her blowjob lips, she told the world this is the greatest Southern BBQ shack. She didn’t give a damn who saw her eating the animal carcasses slathered in a tangy sauce with some kick. Not like half the gals you know that have strokes if their chewing gum isn’t sugar free. Any gal that tastes like Buffalo wings when you kiss her is all right in my book.

I didn’t include a picture with many of these descriptions, because it’s about time you used your imagination. Now go look at some porn, fuckos.

*Which, depending on which part of California, makes her hot

**Or perhaps it was something I left on top of the television