16/05: A Complex Financial Discussion
First of all, I and I alone, have calculated the exact amount of "Change" President Barack Obama and his supporters have been touting the past few years. Everyone was in love with the one-word slogan which seemed to encompass so many positive ideals, but no one could really specifically state what it meant. Well, the exact Change comes out to 110 cents a day, or $1.10. Back when details of the stimulus package were announced, it was mentioned that most working citizens would receive $400 in tax relief spread throughout the year. If you use this formula, where C=total dollar value of the Change (as noted on your fast-fading bumper sticker/lapel pin/retarded fucking t-shirt) divided by (I can't figure out how to make the division symbol with my keyboard) D=number of days in a year (365), you will find out that so far--based on this criteria alone--George W. Bush was a better President, because he did the same thing before we even HAD a recession, and gave $600, or 55 more in Change a day.
Now, I will present my solution to the entire economic collapse. Our nation is CONSTANTLY under attack from terrorists, rogue nations, and supervillains such as Dr. Octopus. Therefore, we have a massive military split into four branches (plus the Coast Guard), each of which slurp up what I estimate to be over $5,000 annually. All of these funds can be reabsorbed into the federal budget and redirected to the various programs in the economic stimulus plan, and all we have to do is disarm/disband/dismiss the entire Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. And Coast Guard. But then what do we do when the Taliban paddle-boat up through the Mighty Mississippi and start throwing their bananas at us? We export tons of generic toilet paper to the former Soviet Union in exchange for all of their old AK-47s (the American M-16 is notorious for jamming) left over from the Cold War, and issue one machine gun to every American household. When Homeland Security issues an Orange Alert, everyone goes outside and shoots at the evil-doers. Now everyone's happy. Plenty of cash for social programs, and the NRA/Montana-based militias/random psychopaths/high school athletes finally get to kill people. Plus, we eliminate Russia as a possible enemy by default.
Finally, I present a short interview conducted with PM economics consultant, Johnny Fearless, who you may remember from fall's PM Financial Explorer: The Official PM Business Plan Template, With an Economic Consultant and Random Boldface Type. This will clear up any further questions you may have regarding the shithole that's become of our country.
What is the difference between a recession, a depression, and a concessions stand?
They're the same thing. A recession is when the shit hits the fan, a depression is when the fan hits the shit, and the concessions stand is where you buy the shit to throw at the fan.
How important are dividends in this economy?l
Extremely, without them, nobody would make any money. This would have a trickle-down effect where no one would be able to eat any food. Either. And we would all starve to death. Hence, the term "dividends."
The last time we spoke, you predicted Tiddleywinks as being the #1 industry projected to grow and thrive in a struggling market. You couldn't have been more incorrect. Can you explain exactly what went wrong?
Everybody sat at home playing Tiddleywinks and didn't go out to make money to buy more Tiddleywinks. It's like a Catch 22 with a "fuck you" attached. Tiddleywinks is a great game, and proved to be TOO good. We feel there will be a market for Tiddleywinks again in the future, but not until unemployment goes under 8%.
It is often taken for granted that "the customer is always right." Can you give some examples where this is not true?
All the customers that have houses in foreclosure. The customer is actually only right in a few cases: 1. When he's wrong, and 2. When he wants you to fuck your mother to prove to your father that you're not gay.
Who are some people that you know personally who you would rather have hold onto your money than a conventional bank?
Dave, the bum outside Blockbuster, so he can smoke crack. And my drug dealer, so I can smoke weed.
Can you say a bunch of positive things about President Obama that don't really relate to anything concrete about possible economic recovery or have any actual meaning to begin with?
I think he's doing a great job. He shut down Guantanamo Bay. He stood up to all those conservative people who said he was gonna not be good. And he's really good with the media.
What media?
The media in general.
I think they just moved the prisoners from Guantanamo somewhere else, they still don't get formal charges or a trial.* Tell us a little bit about the new Olympic weight bench you just bought and how it has revolutionized your home gym.
I can currently bench 185 lbs. 3 sets of 10 reps each. My dick is small but my muscles are huge.
Yes or no: do you know what the Dow Jones is?
Yes.
Let me ask your wife a question please. Jamie, you are one of over 1,000 Americans currently receiving unemployment insurance benefits. With just two chihuahuas to take care of, what else do you do all day?
What DON'T I do? Whatever the fuck I want, that's what I do all day. I'm my own boss. Except for every other Wednesday when I have to call to re-certify my claim.
*At press time, Obama had re-instituted the Bush-era policy of "military tribunals" which is the same as nothing.
Now, I will present my solution to the entire economic collapse. Our nation is CONSTANTLY under attack from terrorists, rogue nations, and supervillains such as Dr. Octopus. Therefore, we have a massive military split into four branches (plus the Coast Guard), each of which slurp up what I estimate to be over $5,000 annually. All of these funds can be reabsorbed into the federal budget and redirected to the various programs in the economic stimulus plan, and all we have to do is disarm/disband/dismiss the entire Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. And Coast Guard. But then what do we do when the Taliban paddle-boat up through the Mighty Mississippi and start throwing their bananas at us? We export tons of generic toilet paper to the former Soviet Union in exchange for all of their old AK-47s (the American M-16 is notorious for jamming) left over from the Cold War, and issue one machine gun to every American household. When Homeland Security issues an Orange Alert, everyone goes outside and shoots at the evil-doers. Now everyone's happy. Plenty of cash for social programs, and the NRA/Montana-based militias/random psychopaths/high school athletes finally get to kill people. Plus, we eliminate Russia as a possible enemy by default.
Finally, I present a short interview conducted with PM economics consultant, Johnny Fearless, who you may remember from fall's PM Financial Explorer: The Official PM Business Plan Template, With an Economic Consultant and Random Boldface Type. This will clear up any further questions you may have regarding the shithole that's become of our country.
What is the difference between a recession, a depression, and a concessions stand?
They're the same thing. A recession is when the shit hits the fan, a depression is when the fan hits the shit, and the concessions stand is where you buy the shit to throw at the fan.
How important are dividends in this economy?l
Extremely, without them, nobody would make any money. This would have a trickle-down effect where no one would be able to eat any food. Either. And we would all starve to death. Hence, the term "dividends."
The last time we spoke, you predicted Tiddleywinks as being the #1 industry projected to grow and thrive in a struggling market. You couldn't have been more incorrect. Can you explain exactly what went wrong?
Everybody sat at home playing Tiddleywinks and didn't go out to make money to buy more Tiddleywinks. It's like a Catch 22 with a "fuck you" attached. Tiddleywinks is a great game, and proved to be TOO good. We feel there will be a market for Tiddleywinks again in the future, but not until unemployment goes under 8%.
It is often taken for granted that "the customer is always right." Can you give some examples where this is not true?
All the customers that have houses in foreclosure. The customer is actually only right in a few cases: 1. When he's wrong, and 2. When he wants you to fuck your mother to prove to your father that you're not gay.
Who are some people that you know personally who you would rather have hold onto your money than a conventional bank?
Dave, the bum outside Blockbuster, so he can smoke crack. And my drug dealer, so I can smoke weed.
Can you say a bunch of positive things about President Obama that don't really relate to anything concrete about possible economic recovery or have any actual meaning to begin with?
I think he's doing a great job. He shut down Guantanamo Bay. He stood up to all those conservative people who said he was gonna not be good. And he's really good with the media.
What media?
The media in general.
I think they just moved the prisoners from Guantanamo somewhere else, they still don't get formal charges or a trial.* Tell us a little bit about the new Olympic weight bench you just bought and how it has revolutionized your home gym.
I can currently bench 185 lbs. 3 sets of 10 reps each. My dick is small but my muscles are huge.
Yes or no: do you know what the Dow Jones is?
Yes.
Let me ask your wife a question please. Jamie, you are one of over 1,000 Americans currently receiving unemployment insurance benefits. With just two chihuahuas to take care of, what else do you do all day?
What DON'T I do? Whatever the fuck I want, that's what I do all day. I'm my own boss. Except for every other Wednesday when I have to call to re-certify my claim.
*At press time, Obama had re-instituted the Bush-era policy of "military tribunals" which is the same as nothing.