Everyone knows that saying you have to go #1 means pee, and #2 means poo. Some charmers even refer to #3 aloud when coming out of the church facilities shortly after sucking down a couple packets of Taco Bell Fire Sauce during a baptism. But aside from those, no one knows that there are a bunch more numbers denoting various activities one could do in the "loo" or "bogs" as our asshole English friends might say. For the first time--ANYWHERE--PM will reveal the entire list, and you will read part of it.

1. Urination
2. Defecation
3. Diarrhea
4. Vomiting
5. Changing your tampon
6. Fucking around with your contact lens
7. Really big sneeze you didn't want to share
8. Sneaking a cigarette
9. Miscarriage at the prom
10. Doing a couple lines of primo coke with the waiter
11. Scanning the tile floor for a Tic-Tac
12. Making a tuna melt sandwich or another light snack
13. Looking up a divorce lawyer in the phone book because the wi-fi isn't working in the bathroom you're in
14. Practicing your scales and sipping hot tea before you go out there and take the U.S. Karaoke Championship Trophy back to Stamford, Connecticut, where it belongs
15. Dyking out
16. Dorking out
17. Doling out (a few Peanut M&Ms)
18. Texting yourself directions out of the bathroom
19. Putting on a bathing suit
20. Taking the G.E.D.
21. Making sure that saying "Bloody Mary" out loud five times still conjures an evil spirit out of the mirror to kill you
22. Powdering your puss
23. Throwing your friend in the shower and turning on cold water because they're overdosing on whatever
24. Trying on some new overalls
25. Attempting to flush the underwear you just sharted down the toilet, and somehow getting a sock down there too
26. Cramming with a copy of the Kama Sutra so you'll have something to talk about with your fiancee's parents
27. Just a nap
28. Smacking yourself in the face repeatedly to get pumped up for some intense go-karting
29. Re-filling the fluid cartridges in your web-shooters
30. Hiding from the Indians who keep calling you on behalf of Chase Visa as an attempt to collect a debt, this call may be monitored for quality assurance
31. Thinking you have to go #5, but it turns out to be #9
32. Checking the highway map to make sure you have been driving on streets