*THE COVER--Eddie Van Halen’s ex-wife lost 50 lbs!*

1. I didn’t know self-respect weighed that much.

2. She’s returning to CBS this fall with her new sitcom “One Puke At a Time.”

3. People in Hollywood sure go to a lot of work to look like over-the-hill strippers.

*STAR TRACKS*

1. Celebrities apparently walk their children like dogs.

2. If you’re a famous man with children, there’s a secret code that states you’re not allowed to appear in public with them unless you haven’t shaved for two days.

3. Reese Witherspoon had a Disney party for her 33rd birthday. It had nothing to do with the fact that she’s in the newest shitty Disney movie-- she’s always really wanted to have one and never got the opportunity. She’s not using the anniversary of her mother’s greatest pain and sacrifice to promote a movie. No really, she’s not.

*SCOOP*

1. I’ve never heard of Rihanna or Chris Brown. But People has a weekly FAQ about the time he allegedly beat the fuck out of her when she was on the way to her Grammy‘s house or something. It’s like Little Red Riding Hood, re-imagined!

2. Nicole Richie is having twins with one of the twin douchebags from Good Charlotte. If being the seventh son of a seventh son gives you magical powers, what happens if you’re the twin of a twin? Is it better or worse than being the child of a goth/thug/butt-rocker and an anorexic drug addict whose only claim to fame is being the fake best friend of the biggest waste of oxygen and Valtrex on the planet?

3. Vince Vaughn is getting married! To a GIRL! Seems like I probably owe somebody some money over that, but I’ll be damned if I can remember who.

*WEDDING BELLS*

1. Bruce Willis married a chick who looks a lot like Demi Moore. Way to move on, buddy. Way to move on.

2. Winnie Cooper from “The Wonder Years” married a guy who looks like Fred Savage. Go figure.

3. Harrison Ford, who’s 66, is going to marry Ally McBeal, who’s 66 lbs. I wonder whose bones will break first on the honeymoon?

4. Drew Peterson, whose third wife was murdered and whose fourth “mysteriously disappeared” actually found another chick dumb enough to agree to marry him. In a related story, the new girl’s parents will be holding a bake sale to raise money for the tracking device they hope to implant at the base of her skull before the wedding day.

*GUY FIERI*

1. He has a tattoo that says “Kulinary Gangsta.” I don’t have a joke for that. Just read it a couple more times and try not to piss yourself laughing.

2. When he’s at home, he cooks things like cayenne-chocolate-pizza, s’more egg rolls, and four-bean salad. He’s probably trying to dream up a new show just to cover the toilet paper bill.

3. If you believe the pic, he likes to season food with his 3 year-old’s dandruff.

*PEANUT-SNIFFING DOG*

1. Uh, what?

2. People can now be so allergic to peanuts that they might die? Is this enough evidence that we’ve begun to go backward on the evolutionary scale, or do we need another five seasons of “American Idol?”

3. It costs $20,000 to train a dog to sniff for peanuts? That’s awesome! Now if I can find a bunch of kids who are allergic to dog-ass, I’ll be set for life.

*"THE BACHELOR"*

1. So he dumped one for the other. Since they’re basically the same blank-eyed sorority skag in the first place, what difference does it make?

2. Sometimes you just get a feeling about people. Every time I see this guy I get the feeling that he’s… well… not a confirmed heterosexual. At the very least, I could believe that he does certain things with his fingers while he masturbates that most guys just don’t do, you know?

3. I don’t understand why everybody is so enthralled with this horseshit. What? The guy who participated in a nationally-televised, lap-of-luxury cattle-call for three months to find true love and a soul-mate changed his mind at the last second? Appalling. You wouldn’t think a guy that sincere, so willing to put the time and effort into building a relationship, would change his mind at the last minute. Oh wait… yeah you fucking would.