Rihanna
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times--RIHANNA IS NOT FOR HITTING! RIHANNA IS FOR CARESSING GENTLY AND SMOOCHING! Not that I'm against punching girls in the face (especially pop singers), but Goddamn, Chris Brown, there are plenty of others in line you could've picked: Katy Perry, Pink, Lil' Kim, Sheryl Crow, Jewel, and whoever the fuck Lady GaGa is (I'm trying my hardest not to find out). For Christ's sake man, you've jeopardized your entire career (mainly because the incident resulted in a total industry faux-pas: no-call/no-show to the Grammys); we in the entertainment biz know you can't leave visible signs of injury like black eyes, or identifying marks like teeth impressions. Instead, you need to use a cigarette butt to burn places on the body not usually bare (even for pop stars that usually perform in something resembling a toddler's bathing suit), or break bones no one would suspect were caused by domestic abuse, such as toes or a hip. Some other good ones are ponytail-yanking, tooth-extraction, and beatings with a bag of oranges--which won't leave bruises. Plus, whatever happened to a good old-fashioned stern talking to? It worked on my first two ex-wives (HEY-YO!). Actually, I'm assuming Brown's record sales will actually skyrocket this month since it's cool to break the law; Notorious B.I.G. just got a biopic released but was a crack dealer, Tupac still puts out hit records but was convicted and did time for sexual abuse (a nicer way of saying "rape"). Then again, they were rappers and I think he's just a singer, plus they're dead and he's still alive... for the time being. Who should her rebound man be? Well, she's already collaborated with T.I., and he seems pretty cool, plus he's going to jail in a few weeks so he won't be able to hit her (unless she gets really close to the bars.) Then there's Chicago's own Brian Urlacher, who hasn't hit anyone in like two seasons. Another option would be whichever guy in Soft Cell wrote "Tainted Love," the song she sampled on her own first hit and thus, owes her whole career to. If anyone can find out which hospital she is at, I will give you the entire contents of my bank account ($7.22 U.S.) so I can put a "Do Not Disturbia" sign on the door and treat her wounds (with my wang).

That Dirty Bitch Who Had Like Forty-Five Babies at Once
Where did Nadya Suleman get a uterus that big, Cosco? Did she time-travel back to 1993 to a taping of "Tool Time with Tim Taylor" so he could give it "more power?" Does she have a siamese twin just out of view who actually carried four of the little bastards? I would ask her out just so I could have a chance at putting my ear up to her twat so I could hear the ocean.* Maybe she should try dating an entire starting line-up for a baseball team, so everyone could have one-on-one time with a child, and one could rest. Or the husband from "Jon and Kate Plus 8" could jump ship and hang out with her so he has the chance to see what it's like to raise fourteen kids.

Katy Perry
Apparently, whatever douche she was with from the band Gym Class Wussies realized it's ethically wrong to go steady with a human caricature. If only this happened to every girl who pretended to be bisexual to make a buck. Then she acts annoyed when reporters ask about "I Kissed a Girl," even though that tired gimmick is her entire thesis statement as an artist. I remember years ago reading this interview with Nine Inch Nails' Trent Reznor where he said everyone will remember where they were the first time they heard "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette, as a kind of JFK assassination for gen-x; I feel the same way about "I Kissed a Girl," it's like a 9-11 for those who were to young to feel its impact in 2001. Her crimes include--but are not limited too--the goddamn fucking pin-up fashion resurgence five years after it was stale, playing acoustic guitar on stage to earn respect even though it's turned down so low it's inaudible, saccharine songs that make Miley Cyrus look like Courtney Love before she met Kurt Cobain, and novelty lyrics that Weird Al Yankovic would probably call "a little over the top." Plus that song title was already used fifteen years ago by Jill Sobule (who sucked too), and I realize I'm beating a dead horse, but it's the only thing within reach because Katy has bodyguards. The only nice thing I can say about her is that she gives me the kind of boner you just want to sever with a pair of serrated craft scissors. I would give that same $7.22 I was previously offering to bang Rihanna for just sixty seconds of tender alone-time with Katy and I hate myself for it. Her next relationship will probably be with another emo condom-swallower just like whoever she's trying to make fun of in "Ur So Gay," and if not, I recommend Carson Daly, I don't know why.

Elizabeth Wakefield
In the town of Sweet Valley, Jessica Wakefield is constantly overshadowing her twin sister Elizabeth, if you don't believe me, see that even I used a photo of a book cover featuring Jess instead of who I'm supposed to be writing about. Elizabeth seems to have it all going for her--she's smart, funny, pretty, plays starting forward on the JV lacrosse team, and co-editor of the high school newspaper. But still, all anyone ever cares about is her sister. Why? Well, Jessica's a fucking whore, that's why. Liz can make honor roll every semester for the rest of her life, but no one's gonna want to hang around to watch her shake the Dean's hand when they can get their dick shook by her sister. Liz raised $10,000 for the town's animal shelter, but all the boys just want to cage their stray dogs in Jessica's kennel. Liz may be captain of the Mathletes, but her sister is captain of the sport-fucking squad, and what she lacks in number-crunching, she makes up for in ball-munching. Therein lies the not-so-secret to her popularity. What can Elizabeth do? Well, none of the dudes who went out for the spring production of A Midsummer Night's Dream seem all that enamored with Jessica. What about that Ned Nickerson guy from River Heights? I heard him and Nancy were splitsville. And there's always the guys in the faculty to consider, they're more mature, and all keep their distance from Jessica ever since the football coach got hit with that statutory charge.

Katie, User of Prilosec OTC
This girl looks like a total blast--she obviously loves to dance, party, and take care of any stomach ailments immediately with an over-the-counter medication she trusts. And she's not all preoccupied with the future, like worrying about whether the heartburn could be indicative of the onset of a more serious illness, like gastritis, allergies, or a bleeding ulcer. Best case scenario, the discomfort is caused by excessive alcohol use, which means any and all suitors looking to play doctor will have very little resistance checking for problems with the rest of her organs. Plus, watch the video again, that girl can shake it! She's #1!

*I'm sure that joke has been used before, somewhere, possibly in reference to Paris Hilton, but it hasn't been done yet on this site

More "Who Needs a Date?"
12/04, 1/05, 7/05, 11/06