(Leviticus 25:44-46)
"...you may purchase male or female slaves... You may also purchase the children of such... You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance."
So slavery is ok, who knew? Everyone who reads the bible, that's who. Unfortunately, no one has ever actually read the bible, they just use it as an excuse for whatever. But once this article is published and my insight spreads through the blogosphere like wildfire, an inferno of social change will burn through America, as it always does whenever I say something. The new legislation on human property will be a slam-dunk, but what of that part at the end regarding inheritance? Estate and heir taxes are a very controversial subject and it is up to the Obama administration to see that this new form of monetary infusion into the government is handled fairly and justly. And speaking of the President, as a slave, he will remain in office but will no longer receive any salary (or benefits) for the remainder of his administration. Actually, I have no idea if he would be made a slave. Let's ask God:
"...but the people of Israel, your relatives, must never be treated this way."
Fuck, all he says is no Jews. That means anyone else is fair game, which will really help level the playing field in this country. How do we decide who is eligible for slavery? I have two really good ideas: 1. Random lottery drawing. Justice is blind and the numbers don't lie. 2. An extremely long election where every citizen of the U.S. appears on the ballot to be voted on. This way we can continue participating in our democracy as well as be judged by a jury of our peers.

(Exodus 21:2-6)
"If you buy a Hebrew slave, he is to serve for only six years. Set him free in the seventh year, and he will owe you nothing for his freedom."
Weren't Hebrews the same as Israelites? I hope the Lord isn't contradicting himself, I haven't found any other evidence of that in my scripture readings. Five years of Catholic grade school and I still need a tutor to help me decode this garbage. Shit, maybe my interpretation is completely wrong and "slave" actually translates to "used car?" Anyway, the six-year term is confusing, because if you inherit a slave from your father, and the slave has already served two years, does that mean you only get him for four? Or does it reset? I wish God would put out a Cliff's (or Spark) Notes to clear up some of this.
"If he was single when he became your slave and then married afterward, only he will go free in the seventh year. But if he was married before he became a slave, then his wife will be freed with him. If his master gave him a wife while he was a slave, and they had sons or daughters, then the man will be free in the seventh year, but his wife and children will still belong to his master. But the slave may plainly declare, 'I love my master, my wife, and my children. I would rather not go free.'"
The same God we "trust" on the back of our dollar bills is kind and loving enough to let us remain slaves for life so we don't have to part with our families. I wish there was room on Moses's original Ten Commandments stone tablets for footnotes, then all this knowledge would be ingrained into the public consciousness, instead of being virtually unknown/unspoken and I wouldn't have to pause Punisher: War Zone right in the middle to write this article.
"Then his master must take him to the door and publicly pierce his ear with an awl. After that, the slave will belong to his master forever."
That's kind of romantic in a way, like wedding rings or matching tattoos. And God's word stands, I don't want some damn liberal priest out there lobbying that you can go to Claire's at the mall and have it done with a sterile ear-piercing gun and then check out new wacky t-shirt slogans at Hot Topic. No, it has to be with the same awl you buy at Home Depot and use to puncture dried cow-hides and such. And the Good Book specifically says this should happen by the door, so don't try and cheat by piercing the slave's ear by a window or porthole, you dumb heathen shits.

Exodus (21:7-11)
"When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she will not be freed at the end of six years as the men are. If she does not please the man who bought her, he may allow her to be bought back again."
Your daughter's poonanny is a potential gold-mine. First of all, we need to be able to put our children up for adoption in a way that's mutually beneficial financially, not a one-sided affair with the new parents reaping the sexual rewards. Just because you forgot to take your birth control doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to make some cash out of the deal. That being said, if your daughter turns into a different woman after the sale (as a result of PMS or something), and the recipient finds her no longer desirable, of course he should be able to return the goods (if he still has the receipt or equivalent proof-of-purchase).
"But he is not allowed to sell her to foreigners, since he is the one who broke the contract with her."
Or he can re-sell her to a different buyer, but--since he broke the contract--not to a Filipino or Irish immigrant. Selling a child is just like using eBay, it's based on positive feedback, so make sure the girl knows how to please a man or your user rating will suffer.
"And if the slave girl's owner arranges for her to marry his son, he may no longer treat her as a slave girl, but he must treat her as his daughter."
If your family is like mine, there's already a fine line between the two, so I wouldn't really worry about this one.
"If he himself marries her and then takes another wife, he may not reduce her food or clothing or fail to sleep with her as his wife. If he fails in any of these three ways, she may leave as a free woman without making any payment."
You made your crowded and slightly damp bed, now lie in it. If you have more than one wife, be sure you adjust the grocery list accordingly when they make the weekly trip to Whole Foods. And don't try passing off any hand-me-down lingerie to the new queen, the used model gets to keep all the shit you wasted money on last Valentine's Day. Those in the audience who have accidentally watched an episode of "Big Love" with Bill Paxton on cable know that any polygamist worth his salt (lake) can't shirk his husbandly duties come bedtime. If you can't get it up, forget the pre-nup... all's fair in love and bore. Ol' girl can walk. That's why Viagra and its contemporaries should be seen as a marital tool, like welfare and group counseling. People always ask me why I have that big dildo on my dresser, and I tell them it's in case someday I have five indentured servanginas and don't want them to get off on a technicality.

(Exodus 21:20-21)
"When a man strikes his slave with a rod so hard that the slave dies under his hand, he shall be punished. If, however, the slave survives for a day or two, he is not to be punished, since the slave is his own property."
This is akin to the "no harm, no foul" rule commonly used in urban street basketball games. If you catch a forearm shiver from the opposing center while driving in the lane for a lay-up, but there's no blood, you don't get any free-throws, regardless if you missed the shot. Jesus was taunted, whipped, and nailed to a cross (in 90-degree heat, I'm told), and he said, "Father, forgive them," not, "Hey, I got hacked in the act of shooting." The passage about the slave dying after a 24-hour period is why the church is so adamant about the evils of euthanasia. If you fatally teach your slave with the rod in question, but get them hooked up to life-support at County in time, they can sustain a Terri Schiavo-esque existence for a few days, so when you pull the plug, you are absolved and need not be punished. (I am irked God doesn't specify what the punishment should be; wouldn't it be cool if it was like an hour at an S&M dungeon? She moves in mysterious ways.)

(1 Timothy 6:1-2)
"Christians who are slaves should give their masters full respect so that the name of God and his teaching will not be shamed. If your master is a Christian, that is no excuse for being disrespectful. You should work all the harder because you are helping another believer by your efforts. Teach these truths, Timothy, and encourage everyone to obey them."
This is like when you were a kid and threw a temper-tantrum at the Olive Garden, your mom told you that you were embarrassing the family, or when White Sox fans punch out a mascot or cheerleader, they're making the team look bad (as opposed to the Cubs, who look bad just by showing up). So any uppity slaves who sass their master or try to escape are shaming the name of Christ. But what I want to know is who the fuck is this Timothy he's talking to? Without any research or calling 311, I have ruled it down to a few likely candidates: 1. Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol. 2. Timothy Olyphant, the guy who married Fergie. 3. Timothy Hutton, the actor from the movie adaptation of Stephen King's The Dark Half. 4. Country singer Tim McGraw, who is married to Faith Hill. 5. The sick mouse in Disney's The Secret of NIMH. 6. Tim Armstrong, the guitarist for Rancid. 7. This kid on my block growing up who was really into Rambo. 8. The fifth album by the Replacements. That's all I can think of off the top of my head.

(Luke 12:47-48)
"The servant will be severely punished, for though he knew his duty, he refused to do it. But people who are not aware that they are doing wrong will be punished only lightly."
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
"Much is required from those to whom much is given, and much more is required from those to whom much more is given."
What? I think this means girls with big boobs have to do porn.

(Exodus 21:32)
"If the bull gores a slave, the owner must pay thirty shekels of silver to the master of the slave, and the bull must be stoned."
I did extensive mathematical calculations, and this offense is equivalent to $7.16 U.S. dollars (not adjusted for inflation), and don't forget to blow a bong-hit into the bull's snout.

More Bible Studies:

All Homosexuals are Going to Hell, and So Are You if You Don’t Kill Them
When is Rape Ok?
Women Need to Shut Up and Do What Their Husbands Say