This weekend sees the opening of the movie based on the hit book He's Just Not That Into You, a guide to helping today's single woman determine whether or not a potential love interest is really in it for the long run, or simply not serious about her. Featuring possibly the worst ensemble cast ever assembled (Affleck, Aniston, Barrymore, the undiagnosed midget from "Entourage," etc.), it will surely entertain and inform confused and lovelorn young ladies across the nation. But what about us dudes? Where is the book/shitty film adaptation to educate us on all the games that chicks play with our hearts? Where do we go to find all the answers? "The Pickup Artist"? Bret Michaels? Maxim? No, dipshit, you go to Pat Magazine, look at the title of the fucking article, it should be obvious.

1. You ask her if she’s into you and she says, “No.”
2. You ask her on a date and she says she has a boyfriend, and wouldn’t accept the invite even if she was single.
3. You ask for her phone number and she says “I don’t want to talk to you on the phone.”
4. You ask one of her friends if she ever mentions you and they say, “I haven’t heard your name brought up, even in passing.”
5. At a nightclub, you dance your way over to her and she tells you, “I just want to dance with my girlfriends tonight.”
6. You leave her several voice-mails/text messages to which she does not respond.
7. You ask her to rate your looks on a scale of 1 (unappealing) to 10 (extremely attractive), and her answer is, “a very generous 3.”
8. You ask her if she’d like to get a cup of coffee after work, and she says, “I’m really a tea person,” and you say, “Well, the Starbucks across the street has tea also,” and she says, “I really need to get this work done.”
9. She changes her “status” on myspace/facebook to “never dating (your name), ever.”
10. Instead of saying, “Bless you,” when you sneeze, she mutters, “I hope it’s AIDS.”
11. She has pepper-sprayed you more than twice.
12. You move in for a kiss and she quickly turns her face so your lips brush her cheek, then she wipes off her cheek. With bleach.
13. She agrees to a date, but when you pick her up she says your car “smells like fag.”
14. You take her to the roller rink and she excuses herself to use the bathroom, but it’s the one in her apartment.
15. You ask for her phone number and she tells you it’s (773) 843-3251.
16. You give her a dozen roses and she asks for the receipt.
17. She doesn’t laugh at your poop jokes.
18. You light a girl’s cigarette at the bar and she puts it out in your eye.
19. You’re at Kohl’s looking for new running shoes and she pushes you down the escalator, resulting in several abrasions and bruises.
20. She doesn’t swallow after a blow-job, she spits it in a plant or something.
21. She tells you if you aren’t here for an oil change or to get your tires rotated, you must immediately leave Jiffy Lube.
22. You wink at a girl at the grocery store and she responds by filing rape chargers later in that month.

23. You ask a female teller at the post office for a book of stamps and she throws up.
24. You drive to “make-out point,” a romantic spot in the hills overlooking all the city lights, and your date purposely slams her clit in the glove compartment door.
25. You ask her to the movies and she claims “there aren’t any more.”
26. You ask for her phone number and she tells you it’s (312) 454-9066.
27. You’re assigned as partners with a girl in Chem-lab, but she opts to complete the group project alone rather than work with you and she ends up getting a D.
28. She doesn’t laugh at your dick jokes.
29. Trying to get to 3rd base, she puts a halt to the festivities by letting you in on a little-known secret that she suffers from 30-day menstruation.
30. During what starts out as a pretty intense hand-job, you open your eyes to see she has switched her hand with your own, and you are now in fact masturbating while she is reading the new issue of Us Weekly and looking periodically at her watch.
31. She moves your bookmarks around to pages you aren’t even reading, or have already read.
32. You recite a love poem you’ve written for her and at the end she says, “I didn’t like it.”
33. She doesn’t snort at the end of a nostril-job.
34. She gives you the wrong address to her house, and the one she gave you is a cliff that you end up driving your car right off of, because you didn’t take her for a liar.
35. You’re at the prom and everyone hits the dance floor for the “Electric Slide,” but she says, “I’ll just watch.”
36. During what you had hoped was a passionate bout of lovemaking, she suddenly has the very rare “reverse orgasm.”
37. You bring a toothbrush over and ask if you can leave it by the sink and she responds by chucking it out the window, then tosses her own out as well, for good measure.
38. You ask if she would like to have dinner with your parents and she accepts, but then acts all pissy when she finds out you’ll be there too.
39. You ask for her phone number and she tells you it’s (773) 254-5969.
40. In the middle of some heavy-petting, she completely loses interest and goes out to walk the dog.
41. She doesn’t laugh at your holocaust jokes.
42. You’ve been together for over two years, but when you try to hold her hand in public she says it’s “too soon.”
43. She doesn’t plug her ear after a vestibular-canal-job.
44. You offer to give her a titty-twister and she says, "Ok, but only 45 degrees."
45. You’re at a wedding reception together, and right before the bouquet toss, she cuts off both her hands.