Sadly enough, as of last week, former President Bush will no longer be heading up the executive branch of our nation's government, and he now will be forced to find other ways to spend his twelve waking hours each day. No easy task for someone who lived the last eight years with every purposeful minute prioritized and accounted for. Whether it was beating his high score on Zelda, checking out old Andre the Giant matches on WWE On Demand, or virtual-judging recipes on greatamericanchilicookoff.com, his time was packed with great consequence, but now it's time to decompress and spend a little quality time with himself and maybe even look for a part-time job. But what exactly will he do? We know he isn't too keen on traveling or other countries (especially as it pertains to international law), his daughters have yet to shit out any grandkids for him to spoil, and the common consensus is that he's not a big reader (although I sent him the entire Twilight series [abridged audio version read by Howie Mandel]). So here are some of his likely options...

Designing his own clothing line The roster of seemingly unqualified, uncreative celebrities who probably can’t sew but still manage an clothing label is endless--Puff Daddy, Gwen Steffani, Pete Wentz--even teen country sensation Taylor Swift is coming out with her own brand of sundresses for Walmart. A head-of-state who attends multi-million-dollar gala events wearing a tuxedo accessorized with cowboy boots has got to have some other radical ideas for the world of high-fashion. Call it Manure Couture.

Drug lord According to General Expert* Jimmy Skullpuff, “They (the elder Bushes) also own an enormous ranch in a South American country without extradition in case he's indicted. I've heard it looks like Don Corleoni's mansion.” Unsuccessful at running an oil business, baseball team, and world power, why not try his hand at mis-managing a massive cocaine cartel? This could be the last in a long line of failed businesses Bush Sr. has purchased for his son.

Listening to the voice of the One True God Without the constant barrage of verbal static from teeming masses of reporters, critics, and lobbyists, the Texacutioner now has ample time to focus on the many glorious messages the Creator of Heaven and Earth has in store specifically for him.

Drinking/driving No one’s watching anymore, it’s OK. The bottle has missed you.

Giving gardening tips Here's an example: "Rosemary is one of those wonderful herbs that makes a beautiful ornamental plant as well as a welcome culinary seasoning. Its Latin name, Rosmarinus Officinalis, means 'dew of the sea' and rosemary is most closely associated with the cooking of the Mediterranean area. However you don't need perfect sunshine, sea mist or even a never ending summer to successfully grow rosemary. In fact, more rosemary plants suffer from too much attention than from too little." That wasn't actually his advice--it was from a random website--but I'll be he knows a lot of stuff just like that, and would be more than willing to impart his knowledge on anyone with enough common sense to listen.

Record a set of self-help cassette-tapes/CDs People love getting advice from has-beens who made their way through serendipity, nepotism, and theft. There are so many of these books out there that to make your own, all you have to do is grab a stack, hit record, read one chapter from each, and you’re done.

Taking a pottery class at the local community college There’s an hour out of the week filled just like that, no problem.

Inventing a stereo system you can take in the bathtub I’m not talking about the old battery-operated “No-Soap Radio” from the 70’s that sticks on the shower wall, I mean an electric one that you have to plug into a wall socket. Just start tinkering, you’ll figure something out.

Hiring extra security Watching the bloated, self-congratulatory, media-as-unpaid-prostitute coverage of the cash-toilet Obama inauguration, I heard mention that Bush will be the first President to only have Secret Service protection for ten years after he leaves office, instead of for life. My pulse quickened at the possibilities (it’s within the law to carry a concealed firearm in his home state). Said Skullpuff, "I was just thinking their job is going to be very hard. People will maybe be taking pot-shots at him for fun and recreation. Tourism could go up in Texas on that basis alone!" A more skeptical Deebers added, “Well in Texas you learn to take bullets like they were rain drops. It’s about as annoying as gritty Nesquik.”

Something at Circus World Museum Nestled in the heart of Circusworld, USA (Baraboo, Wisconsin), there are plenty of seasonal part-time jobs to be found, whether it's as a pun-loving tour guide, running the spotlight during the three-ring events themselves, or simply shoveling shit out of the elephant stalls.

Blogging Whatever he ends up doing, I think the world wants daily updates. With user-friendly programs like livejournal and xanga, he would require little assistance to reach out to his fans and let us know his thoughts on Obama, the new season of “Lost,” and any beefs with Kanye.

Commercial airline pilot We all know the virtual flying hours you can log up while having documents forged that you were in the pussy National Guard. We also know that one of the keys to happiness is to make your hobby your job. A third thing known is that it’s impossible to get a job doing anything right now, so you might have to get on a waiting list, and… whatever, I’m just throwing it out there, no one else is bursting with any golden ideas.

Opening a shoe-dodging training facility He could show his expertise in this little-known mixed martial-art to self-defense coaches and fitness instructors to create a world-class hybrid, then let them teach his techniques to the world. This could also be franchised into a line of Lazer Tag-esque theme parks for children, and… alright, forget it.

Pig-fucking on the Crawford ranch Although he spent roughly 90% of his presidency on vacation in Texas, with all those cameras around it’s hard for one to really get down to the business of why you’re in a secluded rural home to begin with: anal, vaginal, and oral sex with every farm animal you can imagine, and then some. It’s obviously not limited to just pigs, he can take it up the ass from a Clydesdale horse, give golden showers to those chickens that drown in the rain, creatively shave wool off sheep into erotic triangle, racing-stripe, or Brazilian styles, and give a whole new meaning to the term “reverse cowgirl.”

Suicide bomber I don’t care where, I don’t care what, we need CLOSURE.

*Someone who knows certain things but not a lot of things