Pat: The Magazine for Guys

Whether you like it or not, fuckos, a new year is upon us. In the tradition of life-enriching, thought-provoking quizzes, PM has brought you another scientifically valid and reliable test to find out if this upcoming year is going to be the same old shit or a chance to further your mind, body, and soul. This quiz takes a look at all the important, altruistic aspects of life, addresses them with ten simple questions, and spits out an infallible prediction about your future. Simply read the question, write down the answer that you identify with the most, and do some simple calculations to determine the quality of your new year.

The vice I plan to keep this year is…
A) Smoking
B) Drinking
C) Enemas
D) Gambling

My plans for eating healthier include…
A) Ordering only one triple cheeseburger meal at a time.
B) Yogurt that helps me shit
C) Whole grain ramen noodles
D) Tuna with slightly less mercury

A cultural experience I plan on attending this year is…
A) An extreme rodeo
B) Midget reenactments of any historical event
C) Quilting seminar at a local craft store
D) A play where all the actors are straight

My spending philosophy for the upcoming year
A) Includes keeping a watchful eye on my ROTH IRA
B) Realizing poor is cool and only spending money on what I panhandle
C) Knowing someday I’ll get bailed out , so plunging deep into the sea of debt
D) I’m not changing a fucking thing, but could somebody tell me the meaning of ROTH IRA?

I plan on using this type of condom regularly…
A) Turning ribbed condoms inside-out for my pleasure
B) Color-coded condoms according to my mood
C) Masturbation-only romantic regimen
D) Gas station bathroom novelty condoms

I will improve my well-being by…
A) Buying new outfits meant for working out
B) Running from bouncers
C) Believing in the power of whole grains
D) Substituting beans for meat with no Gas-X backup

When Obama becomes president, I believe the first major thing he will do is…
A) Stop all this killing and frolicking in the sand
B) Make Puerto Rico a state, then run off to Hawaii, secede it from the union, and make it his own country renaming it Hawiobama.
C) Convince America it doesn’t matter the color of the leader, the country is still fucked.
D) Turn corn into currency and popcorn into credit cards to heal the ailing economy

The last thing I plan on doing before I go to bed in the New Year is…

A) Pray to a vengeful God that believes in judging and condemning others
B) Drink a bunch of chamomile tea
C) Pray to a God that is not in our image, that doesn’t give a shit if we are conservative or liberal, who only really wants us to be genuine and good to others.
D) Vomit out the half bottle of tequila you use to forget all the previous years.

I will enrich my mind by…

A)Taking a scrapbooking non-credit class at my local community college
B) Trying to follow a day’s worth of NPR
C) Reading less books that feature shirtless men on the covers
D) Really listening to what Oprah has to say

The biggest plan I have for the new year is…
A) A fishing trip with my alcoholic buddies
B) Really digging into the reasons as to why I am so fucked up
C) Touring countries I’ve heard of but couldn’t point out on a map
D) Making major commitments involving love, money, or time

Bonus: Three points if you could name any of The New Year’s albums.

Give yourself two more points if you own one.

Calculate Your Results!!!
Look at your answers. Give yourself 1 point for each A. Three points for each B. Two points for each C. And no points for each D.

Bonus question: Acceptable answers are Newness Ends, The End is Near, and The New Year. Give yourself three points if you were able to name one of these and five if you were able to name all three. Give yourself a strong drink and a pat on the back if you own all three.

Add all the points up, including the bonus question.

Here are Your Results!!!

0-8 Points. Why even bother with thinking a new year is going to do you any good? Do you think worthlessness changes just because the number of the year does? If you do, it’s that kind of thinking that is keeping you in the cycle of being a corn-filled piece of shit. It’s not that you have any real problems, it’s just that you are too stupid to know what your problems are. Your soul sometimes fantasizes about leaving your body--even for a weekend--so it doesn’t have to put up with your moronic behaviors. Your life is as expendable as a extra in a Rambo movie.

9-16 Points. There’s a reason why people don’t return your calls. Those whispers behind your back, yeah, they’re about you. You have much of the same to look forward to this year, but things will get worse. You could only keep a mind together so long with bubblegum, and your gum, fucko, is losing strength. You might consider some kind of counseling other than the fat fuck that serves you beers four nights a week. A self-help book could be beneficial, but you couldn’t find a bookstore with a GPS. And please, don’t get a puppy to ease your soul, it’ll hate you.

16-25 Points. Well, things could be worse. You have a pretty good grasp on the important things in life, but it’s kind of like when you were sixteen and grabbing boobs. Sure, you had a solid palm on the nipple, but you wouldn’t have a clue what to do if you got her pants unzipped. Your year will be marginally better than last year, but since the whole world is going to shit, it doesn’t really matter. You might benefit from a good haircut and book of quotations just so you seem more interesting. But really, sometimes trying to fix things only makes them worse. You know that old man down the street with the '98 Ford Escort? It looks like shit, sounds like shit, and the door is a different color than the rest of the body, but hell, it runs. It gets the old sap from place to place. And the gas mileage is better than a SUV. You are that Ford Escort. And that’s not all that bad.

25+ As society collapses, you’ll rise like Irish Crème in a bitter cup of coffee. You know what’s important, you know what is bullshit, and chances are you’d eat another human being if needed for survival. Your mind is sharp as a three-page memo. Your soul glows like a halogen bulb. Your body is a temple made out of fairly durable materials. If they were ever to make a MacGyver movie, you would have a hell of a good shot at the lead. You could make a killing at a wine tasting party or bare knuckle boxing tournament. God likes you. That girl you see at the bus stop is in love with you.

Have a happy new year, fuckos.