19/12: Christmas Shopping During the Not-So-Great Depression!
You are truly fucked financially, aren't you? You can't afford payments on your dick, you've defaulted on your pussy, and the bank is trying to repo your asshole. It is really looking bad from a fiscal standpoint, and this fucking holiday couldn't arrive at a worse time. Come December 25th, you're sure to look like a total Pooh-dolph the Dead-nosed Paindeer, seriously. That is, until now. Once again, Pat: The Magazine for Guys has swooped in like Santa's sleigh to drop bountiful packages of insight and ingenuity down the chimney of your worthless life. "Improvise, adapt, and overcome" was something I learned working at Godfather's Pizza for over a year, and those words ring true now, more than ever, especially if you're still hiding your unemployment from friends and family. Here are some amazing ideas for presents this year that won't cost too much:
Pills Open the medicine cabinet and grab something that looks easy to gift-wrap in newspaper. I don’t mean leftover painkillers, you should’ve already washed those down with a sixer of Coors Light when your house got foreclosed on in September. I’m talking about the multivitamins you forget to take every day, or the weird supplements that somehow live next to your deodorant. I’m looking right at my supply right now and they include zinc and something called “glucosamine.” I don’t know what that is or what they’re purported to do, so I’m giving them to my 2nd cousin. No one can call you out for being cheap when you’re just trying to look out for their health.
A Target gift-card post-dated for 2012 Many experts speculate the soonest the economy will stabilize is four years from now, so you can give this present and ask the store not to charge you until then. Sure, the recipient will have to wait a while for it to activate, but think of it as a savings bond that decreases in value instead. Plus, good things come to those who wait; in this case, Windex, underwear, and Pringles.
Specialty candles from a quaint independent shop Steal a box of crayons from your local day-care or kindergarten classroom. Now take the lighter you normally would use to smoke crack with during more prosperous times--like last summer--and melt the rainbow assortment of colors into various molds, such as shot glasses, wine bottles, and condoms. Finally, before the hot wax hardens, insert a make-shift wick using a length of shoelace, or possibly your last shred of dignity.
Cous Cous Look in the pantry. What is that mysterious box? I don’t know where it came from either, it might have been hidden in the back when you moved in, or maybe you bought it but forgot because you ended up going to Pizza Hut to try their new gourmet pastas, such as macaroni and cheese with bacon bits. Either way, don’t look a side dish horse in the mouth.
Automatic upgrade to HDTV They just need to purchase a converter box, the service should connect in February (they’re backed up on orders).
Make your own book on tape Time to dig out that old boom box and dust off the magical red “REC” button that let you imagine you were a talk-show host/D.J. in third grade. The safe bet would be to grab your copy of The DaVinci Code, BSDM for Dummies, or possibly some lesser-known Dr. Seuss and start reading aloud onto some high-quality Maxell 90min cassettes, but if you know your gift-getter well, you can tailor it to their precise taste at your local chain bookstore. The managers typically won’t mind due to busy holiday hours, so just bring in an extension cord and plug it in the café where assholes use the wi-fi to update their resumes with bullshit like “previous experience” and “colleges attended.” Now you’ve got the entire Stephanie Meyer Twilight series at your disposal, complete with all its fang-jamming, ass-ramming, and poetry-slamming.
Note: Crossword and Sudoku collections may present a problem when converting to audio format.
X-Men X-Mas X-Tree X-Ornaments Flour + water still = dough. Now you just need the gingerbread man cookie cutter from Jo-Ann Fabrics and you’re ready to engineer the next step in human evolution as it pertains to holiday decorum. I designed a dozen members of the team, but only finished Cyclops because we ran out of clay, and the Bears were getting their ass kicked by the Vikings, which really put the kybosh on my desire to craft. Fucking Adrian Peterson.
Free subscription to your personal Facebook page "Yeah, normally I charge $16.99 per month. Enjoy!"
Sack of trash Unless you live on a farm or inside an igloo, chances are you have neighbors who throw their shit out on garbage day. Take that Hefty treasure trove to Nana’s house, toss it in the middle of the living room, and tell each of the nieces and nephews to draw a number to see who gets to pick first out of the grab bag of yuletide cheer. Susie got an orange rind! Jimmy found a diaper! Becky got cut!
A handshake and a cup of coffee “Uh… things are a little tight right now. Can you meet me at the Starbucks on Armitage in ten minutes? No? Ok, maybe next year.”
Pills Open the medicine cabinet and grab something that looks easy to gift-wrap in newspaper. I don’t mean leftover painkillers, you should’ve already washed those down with a sixer of Coors Light when your house got foreclosed on in September. I’m talking about the multivitamins you forget to take every day, or the weird supplements that somehow live next to your deodorant. I’m looking right at my supply right now and they include zinc and something called “glucosamine.” I don’t know what that is or what they’re purported to do, so I’m giving them to my 2nd cousin. No one can call you out for being cheap when you’re just trying to look out for their health.
A Target gift-card post-dated for 2012 Many experts speculate the soonest the economy will stabilize is four years from now, so you can give this present and ask the store not to charge you until then. Sure, the recipient will have to wait a while for it to activate, but think of it as a savings bond that decreases in value instead. Plus, good things come to those who wait; in this case, Windex, underwear, and Pringles.
Specialty candles from a quaint independent shop Steal a box of crayons from your local day-care or kindergarten classroom. Now take the lighter you normally would use to smoke crack with during more prosperous times--like last summer--and melt the rainbow assortment of colors into various molds, such as shot glasses, wine bottles, and condoms. Finally, before the hot wax hardens, insert a make-shift wick using a length of shoelace, or possibly your last shred of dignity.
Cous Cous Look in the pantry. What is that mysterious box? I don’t know where it came from either, it might have been hidden in the back when you moved in, or maybe you bought it but forgot because you ended up going to Pizza Hut to try their new gourmet pastas, such as macaroni and cheese with bacon bits. Either way, don’t look a side dish horse in the mouth.
Automatic upgrade to HDTV They just need to purchase a converter box, the service should connect in February (they’re backed up on orders).
Make your own book on tape Time to dig out that old boom box and dust off the magical red “REC” button that let you imagine you were a talk-show host/D.J. in third grade. The safe bet would be to grab your copy of The DaVinci Code, BSDM for Dummies, or possibly some lesser-known Dr. Seuss and start reading aloud onto some high-quality Maxell 90min cassettes, but if you know your gift-getter well, you can tailor it to their precise taste at your local chain bookstore. The managers typically won’t mind due to busy holiday hours, so just bring in an extension cord and plug it in the café where assholes use the wi-fi to update their resumes with bullshit like “previous experience” and “colleges attended.” Now you’ve got the entire Stephanie Meyer Twilight series at your disposal, complete with all its fang-jamming, ass-ramming, and poetry-slamming.
Note: Crossword and Sudoku collections may present a problem when converting to audio format.
X-Men X-Mas X-Tree X-Ornaments Flour + water still = dough. Now you just need the gingerbread man cookie cutter from Jo-Ann Fabrics and you’re ready to engineer the next step in human evolution as it pertains to holiday decorum. I designed a dozen members of the team, but only finished Cyclops because we ran out of clay, and the Bears were getting their ass kicked by the Vikings, which really put the kybosh on my desire to craft. Fucking Adrian Peterson.
Free subscription to your personal Facebook page "Yeah, normally I charge $16.99 per month. Enjoy!"
Sack of trash Unless you live on a farm or inside an igloo, chances are you have neighbors who throw their shit out on garbage day. Take that Hefty treasure trove to Nana’s house, toss it in the middle of the living room, and tell each of the nieces and nephews to draw a number to see who gets to pick first out of the grab bag of yuletide cheer. Susie got an orange rind! Jimmy found a diaper! Becky got cut!
A handshake and a cup of coffee “Uh… things are a little tight right now. Can you meet me at the Starbucks on Armitage in ten minutes? No? Ok, maybe next year.”