The election season always reminds me that our great nation faces many daunting challenges to its constantly eroding moral character. The only way we can truly continue on the righteous path to global superiority is by getting back to the things that made the U.S. such a utopian society to begin with, including--but not limited to--the following:

1. Beating your wife
2. Black Lung
3. Slavery
4. Christmas
5. Having a heart attack at 47
6. Fag drags
7. Ironing your hair
8. Campbells Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup
9. Rickets
10. Bowl-cuts
11. Asbestos
12. Ovaltine
13. Bolo ties
14. Blood-letting
15. Polio
16. Dial-up internet
17. Smallpox blankets
18. Double-dutch, and jump-roping in general
19. Fire-bombing heavily-populated civilian cities built mainly of wood and paper.
20. Dad’s station wagon, and the rampant and unchecked molestation that occurred therein
21. Immigration
22. The telegraph
23. Gout
24. Saving yourself for marriage by only taking it up the ass or down the throat
25. Socialized police
26. Socialized fire department
27. Socialized education
28. Not having socialized health care*
29. Jim Crow segregation laws
30. Getting impaled by a loose pipe in Daniel Day Lewis’s oil derrick
31. Being naïve enough to assume that democrats are the opposite of republicans, and therefore not doing any research whatsoever as to the voting record of Barack Obama or what his real stance is on a single issue, you dumb fucks
32. Women’s suffrage not being passed by congress the first two times
33. The Vagina Catalogues
34. Freedom fries
35. Blood-letting
36. Japanese internment camps
37. Cowboys
38. Pocketbooks
39. Bill Clinton relaxing environmental protection laws that will result in your family members getting cancer, and then thinking maybe his wife would’ve been a great President too
40. Coathangers
41. Trickle-down economics
42. The Earth being flat
43. Leaving your retarded infant on a mountaintop like the Spartans
44. Reagan waiting 6 years (21,000 deaths) to mention AIDS publicly
45. Non-taxable offshore bank accounts
46. Fearing the spread of the communist menace in Kissammee St. Cloud, Michigan
47. Fearing anthrax-spreading crop-dusters, suitcase nukes, and suicide bombings in your trailer park
48. Tits, tats, tots, and tiddley-winks
49. Tyin’ a yellow ribbon ‘round the ol’ Oak tree, then clear-cutting the entire forest so McDonald’s cattle can graze
50. Using the CIA to aid in genocidal coups to prop up dictators and spread democracy across the globe
51. The ice-cream truck
52. When your neighbors call the condo association about your dogs shitting on the deck
53. When your neighbors call the condo association about your dogs shitting in the courtyard
54. When we were all comforted by “America’s Mayor,” Rudy Giullianni, who showed great leadership in the wake of 9/11 by telling us to go see a Broadway play to help out, and then prematurely re-opening the Manhattan financial district while the air was still choked with toxic, disease-causing fumes
55. Referring the media as “liberal,” even though they don’t report any fucking news whatsoever, much less anything that could be construed as leftist
56. Nancy Reagan begging George W. Bush not to block stem-cell research when she realized her asshole, pants-shitting, wrinkly-cocked husband had Alzheimer’s
57. Nancy Pelosi taking impeachment of Bush off the table as her first order as Speaker of the House, showing everyone what balls she had as a staunch opponent of the Decider
58. Nancy Kerrigan not making a sex tape when she had the chance
59. 9021Y?
60. Horn-rimmed glasses
61. Getting gang-raped in an alley and then being forced to carry the baby to term because it’s one of God’s miracles
62. Prohibition
63. Fragging
64. Farms
65. Creationism
66. Knickerbockers
67. Secretaries picking up your dry-cleaning**
68. The post office taking Sundays off to screw up my entire Netflix schedule

*Stolen from Michael Moore
**Donated by Jim House