Pat: The Magazine for Guys

So this guy calls me up and says he wants to me paint his puppet stage. I assume he means the backdrop for the puppets, but after about twenty minutes of him talking in circles I realize he wants me to paint the front and sides of the stage below the window where the puppets perform. Another twenty minutes go by without me being told exactly WHAT I'm supposed to be painting, the client, one Melvin Crenshaw, keeps talking to me about E-coli and Salmonella. That's right, his goal is to own America's premiere educational puppet show about food-borne pathogens. What? Who cares, it's a paying gig. I still don't know what I need to illustrate though, so I tell him I'll e-mail him later. A week of online correspondance garners me no further information as to what the fuck he actually wants the stage decorated with, I talk to his daughter on the phone for a while, I come up with specific items to ask him if he wants and he won't respond one way or another, he just keeps telling me about E-coli itself and the transfer of germs. Eventually, it's like two days before I'm supposed to make my way out to his home in Merrillville, Indiana, and I recieve this e-mail:

Patrick,

I will need three (3) possible works (or drafts) that you are considering before anyone of them is choosen to present on the puppet stage. I think you had promised me some drafts to choose from in one (1) of your earlier e-mails. I hope this is done before Thursday and Friday, I am leaving these two (2) days open for you to start and finish your work. I am still asking you to use your imagination and skill to deliver a work that will make this germ-fighting instructment one that will stand out above all the rest and one that would make the next project a non-challenge. Please note that there will be a contract and non-disclosure agreement before any work is started. And, I forgot to tell you that unclean surfaces in the packing and slaughter houses where cattle is processed for their meats can cause E-coli 0157:H7 (from sick cows) to end up in hamburger meats. If I am presenting my stage to a large grocery store chain, I certainly want something on this stage to show that grocery stores can be another sorce for food borne infections. In the end, make your work a masterful piece of art with a deep and important story to tell.

Thank you, Patrick!

Melvin Crenshaw RN

So I'm like, "Jesus Christ, dude," and spend like an hour looking up random pictures based on all the fucked-up e-mails he had sent me prior rambling about tomatoes, proper storage temperatures, hand-washing, bacteria, etc. hoping he will then see that I need to know exactly what I'm actually expected to accomplish when I get there. His response blew my fucking mind:

Patrick,

Please help me to understand. When I think of a mural, I think of an artist doing free hand interpretations of what he sees in his head. He takes what he sees in his head and transports that information or picture unto a canvass. Am I correct? Literally, Patrick, what is your "musical arrangement" here? I can't see your arrangement or your plans for such by just looking at these "still pictures." I was looking for you to present, perhaps, a sketch or "quick pencil drawings" across several sheets of paper that would include items that would make me think of bacterial contamination or lack of infection control. It is the arrangement that I am looking for--simply looking at these individual pictures does not make me think of anything! You have to make connections. We talked about poop and how poop from a variety of animals, including man, might cause illness. In my head I see a farm. I see animals pooping all about, even in the fields where vegetables are being grown for consumption. I see children (or adults) vomiting and lying down in hospital beds receiving IV therapy (fluids to the veins). I see a boy drinking (uncooked or unpasteurized) milk from the utters of an infected cow. I see another child at the "petting zoo" rubbing a small animal, his other hand is in his mouth (maybe eating contaminated food). I see a meat packing house grinding meat to make hamburger, nearby you can see stains of fecal matter on the preparation table. I see mouse droppings and evidence of roach infestation on the table of a restaurant where my plate of food has just been placed for me to eat from. I see a food worker leaving a toilet and evidence that he had just finished having a bowel movement--there is no evidence that he had just washed his hands at a sink nearby. In the middle of all these scenes, I see E-coli bacteria or bacterias (large show). I thought I had given you enough information to present similar scenes in a mural presentation! Patrick, you only have a little time left to convince me that you understand what I am looking for and how to convey what I am looking for in a mural. Please give me a call. Also, go back to those emails that gave you instruction about E-coli and sources of contamination.

Melvin Crenshaw RN

So I read this to my friends and after we finish laughing our asses off, I realize this guy's nuts and not worth trouble, so I opt not to do it. The following morning I awoke to this message:

Patrick,

You have been taken off the puppet stage assignment. Please call me when you are ready to work. There will be other projects.

Thank you,

Melvin Crenshaw RN

The moral of the story? (I don't know, you tell me.)