Pat: The Magazine for Guys

Last week, as the hype for The Dark Knight boiled up like a cyst on the back of America, I posted a very important myspace bulletin to my 174 friends with the title, "Reality Check: Heath Ledger Was a Shitty Actor," which was a response to the media's overwhelming opinion to the contrary (most likely started by whatever channels/programs are Warner Bros. subsidiaries), which we never heard until he died. The body of the extremely vital bulletin was as follows:

"For confirmation, please rent any of the following movies: 10 Things I Hate About You, A Knight's Tale, or The Order. Brokeback Mountain may have been good, but it did nothing for the gay community; no one who hates gays was going to pay $8 to watch a two-hour movie about cowboys butt-fucking and have their minds suddenly changed, so don't tell me that made him a great actor. Last week, me and my friend Johnny K were walking around, and every time we passed a single dude, I would say, "Whats up, big guy?" which was definitely kind of gay, but you don't see Entertainment Weekly, "E! News," or "The O'Reilly Factor" calling for me to get an posthumous Oscar after I tragically overdose on like twelve prescription drugs.

"More importantly, the Joker is a lame villain; any member of Spiderman's rogue's gallery could kick his ass in under thirty seconds with one hand tied behind their back (except the Vulture, who needs both hands to fly) and I will give the Joker the benefit of the doubt by forcing Dr. Octopus to tie five tentacles behind his back."

So I went to see the movie, which I assumed (besides Ledger) would be cool, but I was wrong. He was worse than I expected, constantly smacking his chops like there was a tablespoon of Jif peanut butter stuck on the roof of his mouth, and killing only a dozen people (half of whom were fellow criminals). The usually awesome Christian Bale was doing an Alec Baldwin impression whenever he had the mask on (I kept expecting him to order Liz Lemon into his office) for some reason, and Batman wasn't really even in the movie; he punched out like four dudes at a nightclub and then rode around on a motorcycle for like ten minutes, which had no consequence. Most of the four hours consisted of oscar-nominated actors dressed in formal wear talking to each other in the dark. Also, Maggie Gyllenhall isn't much of a step up from Katie Cruise. I kept hoping for Spiderman or even Robert Downey Jr. to swoop in and save the movie, but that obviously wasn't going to happen.

The reponse to my brilliant and controversial bulletin was massive and heated, let's take a look:

"Remember that low-rent Angelina Jolie look-alike actress who was in both a Knight's Tale AND The Order with Ledger? Do you know what she's doing now? Well, nothing, because her shit-show "Moonlight" (on CBS for Christ's sake) got cancelled. Man, I don't know what's more sad... a lame accidental overdose or her career trajectory. Sadness. You know he's going to win the oscar." --Heather

"God damn you Pat... God damn you.... This rant is a sick fucking lie... There is no way... no way... again... no way that fucking Rhino could beat the Joker. He's the Joker... The Clown Prince of Crime... I dare say he'd one-up the Kingpin (at least money wise), the Green Goblin (not the Hobgoblin), Puma, and Kraven... and you know what? Fuck Doc Ock... that's right, fuck him... Don't you fucking say anything bad about the Joker again, you dumb bastard. What was that other part? Heath Leger... oh yeah, screw him." --J

"Good stuff as usual. However, everyone knows how much better Marvel is than DC anyways. Also, when Shakespeare wrote Taming of the Shrew, he hoped one day it would be turned into a teen drama and he would have been very impressed with Heath's acting." --Tim

"Totally not a DC fan, and I mostly agree with you about the Joker not being able to go toe-to-toe with most of Spiderman's villains. Though there are a few that I think the Joker might have a chance against:

Hammerhead

Big Man

Crime Master

The only reason that the Joker has a chance at all against these guys is that he is basically as powerless as they are, but he has more nifty gadgets. Acid flower beats Metal pompadour. Hand grenades + marksmanship beats marksmanship + hand-to-hand. Crazy Clown henchmen beats guys who were stand-ins in My Cousin Vinnie." --Derek

"Awesome. Exactly what I would say if I had the drive to post up stuff like this. BTW, I've become an avid reader of Pat: The Magazine for Guys. I'm addicted. You've really become a good writer. Did you ever finish the album you've been working on for years?" --Rich

Ok, that last one I only put up because it makes me look cool, but you can see the explosive discourse this hot topic generates. Clearly, the only thing left for me to do as the Voice of a Generation (of fuckstains), is to go through villain-by-villain so we can let the healing begin across the entire country.

Spiderman villains who the Joker would lose to, and why:

Green Goblin Pumpkin bombs, razor-bats, and a glidey thing that he can throw them from.
Hobgoblin Same as the above only he's from Hell.
Doctor Octopus Six metal tentacles that can crush bones and testicles.
Sandman Body made of living sand that can be condensed into blunt force traumatizers or spread out into grains that are very hard to step on.
Venom All the powers of Spiderman, only bigger, and with a living costume that can attack like ferocious living black spaghetti, and who hasn't had nightmares about that?
Carnage All the powers of Venom, but he can turn the spaghetti raw and stab your groin!
Rhino Impenetrable hide, super-strength, and a giant sharpened dildo right on his head. You're fucked.
Kraven the Hunter He has a crossbow and a moustache, no contest. Actually, this was a trick question, Kraven's dead!
Electro Dangerous whether you're standing in a puddle or not.
Mysterio Forget getting dosed by his bad-acid-trip smoke, if you punch that giant aquarium he calls a mask, you're gonna seriously break your hand.
The Lizard Powerful mandibles and claws, but the real kicker is his intimidating hissing sound. Brrrr!
The Black Cat I know you're thinking a plunging neckline is her only weapon, but she also was eventually given some "bad luck" power by some mobsters she was forced to work for. I think.
Tarantula Poison pointy toes, bandanna.
The Scorpion A big tail that does some stuff.

Now let's look at some villains the Joker could technically beat:

The Chameleon If he can figure out who he is, Joker could possibly wrestle him pretty good.
The Vulture This guy's pretty old and eventually his arms would get tired of flapping.
Hydro-Man Come on.
Aunt May If he gets close enough, he gets maced, but he could still kick her ass without being able to see, May's hand-to-hand combat skills aren't what they once were.

In conclusion, I just saw Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D, and it BLEW MY FUCKING MIND. Giant piranhas, floating boulders, Loch Ness Monster-types, cryptic geo-physics notebooks, a beautiful cascading waterfall, it had everything! Add Brendan Fraser to the list of people tougher than the Joker.