Pat: The Magazine for Guys

As some of you may have noticed, this fine state of Illinois has now gone smoke-free in public buildings. Those who enjoy the company of cigarettes must now stand fifteen feet away from a building’s entrance to enjoy the smooth, rich flavor of burning tobacco leaves. Now people in bars, prenatal screening rooms, pottery classes, and poorly- attended wakes will be able to breathe clean air. As history has dictated, change comes with consequences.

Here are just some of the things that will eventually be brought on by this new smoking ban:

Mundane conversations about the weather will be at an all time high
As if the weather isn’t already the main choice of conversation for people you really don’t want to talk to but feel obligated, now you’ll be forced to huddle in the cold or sweat in the heat while someone else with a cigarette announces it’s “fucking cold” or “hot as the devil’s underwear.” Well no shit, fucker, we’re all outside.

People will pay large amounts of money for ashtrays
With public ashtrays nearing extinction, the elite group of people with more money than brains will raid eBay to get their hands on these near-artifacts. Ashtrays will become centerpieces at Thanksgiving dinners and replace old football trophies on the mantel. They will be cleaned with obsessive care and kept in mint condition to ensure the resale value. Books will be written about their collect-ability. TV shows will feature the poor plastic receptacles that only want to catch the ash hanging from the tip of your cigarette. And really, like most collectable things, it will be a total waste.

The date-rape drug will have a renaissance
Since barrooms will no longer be light-up friendly, gals with more liquor than common sense will have to go outside to get their fix. Most bars frown on bringing glasses outside, which means the drinks stay in the bar. Which means any guy with more roofies than charm could slip it in their drinks. Add these two things together and by late 2008 there are going to be a lot of stupid, uncharming kids arriving in smoke-free delivery rooms.

Smokers will again be looked upon as cool, misguided individuals
Up until the world decided everything had to be sterile and politically correct, smokers were looked at as sophisticated, refined, and, above all, sexy. Smoking was cool. Smoking was the thing to do after meals, sex, and extreme watersports. Now more than ever, smoking is considered a dangerous, addictive habit. And only cool, misguided people get involved in those kinds of things. Bust out your leather coats and slick back your hair, motherfuckers, smokers are rebels again. Chicks are going to walk by and totally think they could change you by spreading their legs. Again, more babies will be born.

Bowling will become a more active, professional sport

Once known as the only sport you could smoke a half-pack over the course of the game, bowling will now become a serious, athletic event. No longer will there be muffled coughs as bowlers finger the holes and line up at the second arrow. Old guys with oxygen tanks will only get to suck in clean air at their favorite bowling alley. Bowlers will become bigger and more cardiovascularly sound. Pins will fly. Xs will riot on the automatic scorers. A perfect game will become 500 instead of 300. And all the fancy signs that say no smoking at the scorer console will be replaced by no steroids at the scorer console.

Nonsmokers will be even more self-righteous
As if those fuckers from truth.com couldn’t get any more annoying. Now they snicker and shoot condescending looks at the outdoor smoking corrals. Their non-nicotine-stained fingers will point at their healthy lungs. And their shaking heads will eventually spin completely around. Oh wait, that’s when I break their fucking necks.

*Filler article