01/01: Eight Common Self-Defeating Thoughts That Will Destroy Your Diet
Across the nation, two very important things happen on New Years Day: dieting and hangovering. Hangovers, however, eventually go away on their own. You have to decide to fuck up your diet. Many people fear the numerous joys and meaningless sexual encounters the thin life has to offer. Or maybe they can’t scrape together enough cash to get a new, smaller, pair of designer jeans. Whatever the reason, people should not fear the life of the thin by putting diet-sabotaging thoughts in their heads.
Come with me now, you fat fuckos, let’s take a look at some of the common irrational thoughts in your head that will sabotage your dieting dreams, examine them, and find a solution to the problem.
dignity died in 2007
“I hate them putting dressing on my salads because it’s always too much, but if I order dressing on the side, I’ll have to put it on and that’s too much work.”
The Problem: Chronic laziness clashes with the need for absolute control. You are one powerfully fucked up person, and really, it’s amazing you haven’t killed yourself yet. It’s obvious just the right amount of dressing is keeping your life in balance, but you’re too lazy to admit it.
The Solution: Stop eating salads.
“The more I eat, the more I shit, so the more I shit, the more weight I lose.”
The Problem: Repressed sexual abuse coupled with a horrible concept of mathematics. Perhaps getting abused as a child screwed up your ability to focus on math while in school. Chances are your fixation with shitting stems from the fact you have lots of bad thoughts your mind needs to get out. Putting food into your mouth isn’t going to solve your problems. Shitting out food isn’t going to make your life better.
The Solution: Recreational anorexia.
“I don’t deserve to lose weight.”
The Problem: You pussy emo fuck. Chances are you are right on with this thought, because really you don’t deserve anything in life. But like most normal, well-adjusted people, they know they don’t deserve anything in life without having to talk about it.
The Solution: Suck it up, fucko. Talking is for women and winos.
“I’m just going to get one peanut butter penis when I stop into the gas station today.”
The Problem: Your latent homesexuality is starting to awake (it’s said 2008 might be the new summer of love*) but you keep trying to repress it. This is causing you to do things people just shouldn’t do—like eat anything from a gas station.
The Solution: Gas stations are good for three things: gas, smokes, and dirty magazines. Get yourself a boy-themed magazine instead of that peanut butter penis. Less calories and your tongue won’t get stuck to the roof of your mouth.
“God loves me this way.”
The Problem: You think God loves you unconditionally. You envision God like a delusional girlfriend—she thinks she loves you, at least a version of you, and she’ll do everything in her power to make you that version of her. The only difference is God isn’t all about trying to change you. He’ll just send you straight to hell.
The Solution: Become a Buddhist or atheist.
“Light beer has less calories, so I could have a couple more.”
The Problem: The obvious answer is alcoholism, but no self-respecting alcoholic would waste their time on light beer. PM has always been known to probe deeper, so let’s take a look in that soul, fucko. You have horrible taste in beer, so chances are you have horrible tastes in everything else. Or maybe you are a product of the constant advertising mindfuck. The only real-life thing that happens in light beer commercials is some disembodied voice telling you to be more responsible with your drinking. Everything else is as much of as fantasy as your chances of bagging the chick you’ve been eyeing at the end of the bar.
The Solution: Since you have no taste, and probably no mind, just start eating healthy foods thinking that’s the cool thing to do. And start drinking straight whiskey. There are more calories in the ice cubes.
“Everything tastes better with mayo.”
The Problem: You are an escapist with no sense of moderation. Everything in your life is wrong, but you cover it up with a creamy, semi-translucent haze. And yes, everything may taste better with mayo and every song may sound better with a cowbell track, but you don’t hear that tell-tale, sexy binging all the time. It’s used sparingly for a reason.
The Solution: Give up everything in life and embrace the creamy haze of Hellmann’s Mayonnaise—figuratively and metaphorically.
“What if I turn skinny and my personality changes?”
The Problem: No vision for the future and no self-esteem. If cartoons and sitcoms and Jenny Craig commercials have told us anything, it’s getting thinner is directly correlated with becoming happy. You probably think most people don’t like people that are happy all the time. Well, you’re right.
The Solution: Nothing, really. Nobody is going to like you regardless of your weight.
*I just made that up, so it must be true. Let it be know this is the first asterisk of this year.**
**And there are many more asterisks to come.
Come with me now, you fat fuckos, let’s take a look at some of the common irrational thoughts in your head that will sabotage your dieting dreams, examine them, and find a solution to the problem.
dignity died in 2007“I hate them putting dressing on my salads because it’s always too much, but if I order dressing on the side, I’ll have to put it on and that’s too much work.”
The Problem: Chronic laziness clashes with the need for absolute control. You are one powerfully fucked up person, and really, it’s amazing you haven’t killed yourself yet. It’s obvious just the right amount of dressing is keeping your life in balance, but you’re too lazy to admit it.
The Solution: Stop eating salads.
“The more I eat, the more I shit, so the more I shit, the more weight I lose.”
The Problem: Repressed sexual abuse coupled with a horrible concept of mathematics. Perhaps getting abused as a child screwed up your ability to focus on math while in school. Chances are your fixation with shitting stems from the fact you have lots of bad thoughts your mind needs to get out. Putting food into your mouth isn’t going to solve your problems. Shitting out food isn’t going to make your life better.
The Solution: Recreational anorexia.
“I don’t deserve to lose weight.”
The Problem: You pussy emo fuck. Chances are you are right on with this thought, because really you don’t deserve anything in life. But like most normal, well-adjusted people, they know they don’t deserve anything in life without having to talk about it.
The Solution: Suck it up, fucko. Talking is for women and winos.
“I’m just going to get one peanut butter penis when I stop into the gas station today.”
The Problem: Your latent homesexuality is starting to awake (it’s said 2008 might be the new summer of love*) but you keep trying to repress it. This is causing you to do things people just shouldn’t do—like eat anything from a gas station.
The Solution: Gas stations are good for three things: gas, smokes, and dirty magazines. Get yourself a boy-themed magazine instead of that peanut butter penis. Less calories and your tongue won’t get stuck to the roof of your mouth.
“God loves me this way.”
The Problem: You think God loves you unconditionally. You envision God like a delusional girlfriend—she thinks she loves you, at least a version of you, and she’ll do everything in her power to make you that version of her. The only difference is God isn’t all about trying to change you. He’ll just send you straight to hell.
The Solution: Become a Buddhist or atheist.
“Light beer has less calories, so I could have a couple more.”
The Problem: The obvious answer is alcoholism, but no self-respecting alcoholic would waste their time on light beer. PM has always been known to probe deeper, so let’s take a look in that soul, fucko. You have horrible taste in beer, so chances are you have horrible tastes in everything else. Or maybe you are a product of the constant advertising mindfuck. The only real-life thing that happens in light beer commercials is some disembodied voice telling you to be more responsible with your drinking. Everything else is as much of as fantasy as your chances of bagging the chick you’ve been eyeing at the end of the bar.
The Solution: Since you have no taste, and probably no mind, just start eating healthy foods thinking that’s the cool thing to do. And start drinking straight whiskey. There are more calories in the ice cubes.
“Everything tastes better with mayo.”
The Problem: You are an escapist with no sense of moderation. Everything in your life is wrong, but you cover it up with a creamy, semi-translucent haze. And yes, everything may taste better with mayo and every song may sound better with a cowbell track, but you don’t hear that tell-tale, sexy binging all the time. It’s used sparingly for a reason.
The Solution: Give up everything in life and embrace the creamy haze of Hellmann’s Mayonnaise—figuratively and metaphorically.
“What if I turn skinny and my personality changes?”
The Problem: No vision for the future and no self-esteem. If cartoons and sitcoms and Jenny Craig commercials have told us anything, it’s getting thinner is directly correlated with becoming happy. You probably think most people don’t like people that are happy all the time. Well, you’re right.
The Solution: Nothing, really. Nobody is going to like you regardless of your weight.
*I just made that up, so it must be true. Let it be know this is the first asterisk of this year.**
**And there are many more asterisks to come.
Pat wrote: