no rain no gain
There's still like a week until the official start of summer. That means you're surfing the web trying to find quick, potentially life-threatening means to lose those last 30 lbs. so you can fit in your new Silver Surfer bodysuit and hit the beach for some bright sun, itchy sand, and wet water. Did you know that the first 5 lbs. lost during any new diet is always water weight? Skip this disheartening period by abstaining from any and all fluids the week prior to your diet. That's just one of the many helpful tips you can learn if you keep reading this article.

Trucker Speed Any enthusiastic* use of a stimulant will curb your appetite. Back in the day, you could just buy, crush up, and snort a package of sinus congestion medicine like Drixoral, because they contained pseudoephedrine. However, dude to some rookies blowing up one too many bathrooms trying to make crystal meth, the FDA made them switch to some lame new drug I can't even pronounce, much less get high off of. Maybe you just have to take more. Gas stations or highway rest stops also always have some sort of uppers available at the register, with catchy names like "Sta-Alert" or "Dontpassoutdriving" or "Jitter-Friend." They are usually next to other single-serving dietary supplements, like Ginsing and something called "Horny Goat Weed." I don't know what it is, but I like fucking and I like goats, so I know what's going on my next Costco shopping list. Prolonged use of amphetamines can result in an intense feeling of overwhelming anxiety like God is trying to smother you with his forehead, but don't fret, you've already gone down one pants size!

NyQuil Coma Have you ever eaten an entire 3 lb. bag of Doritos while you were asleep? Probably not, but if you have, I'd like to party with you. Unconsciousness=no caloric intake, which=shapely hips and thighs. The hard part is finding a safe and fun way to slip into a natural hibernative state. Here are the top three I've come up with, feel free to modify them to your needs:
1. Purposely induce a stroke. The quickest--and most delicious--way to achieve this hilarious hypothalamatical hiccup is to eat nothing but french fries, onion rings, and tator tots for a three month period, using a substantial amount of salt. So much salt, in fact, that you hear a deafening grinding sound when you chew.
2. Have a friend hit you in the temple with an iron during love-making. If they seem uneasy, simply remind of them of the safe-word, and talk up the fact that Michael Hutchence from INXS died doing something completely different.
3. Walk in on your parents doing it**. If one or more of them are dead, do a cross-reference with their names on google video and you can probably find their sex tape.

Laxativesicles Over-the-counter constipation remedies, such as X-Lax, speed up, or even bypass the digestive process by magically transmogrifying all foods ingested into instant diarrhea. A common "side-effect" of the medicine is that many of the nutrients, including fat, aren't absorbed because of the rapid evacuation. If abused over a long period, permanent damage can be done to the colon, resulting in overly-quick processing of meals and frequent loose (occasionally bloody) stool. This is what you're shooting for. The PM twist is to pour the laxative into an ice cube tray, along with a toothpick in each one for a handle. Now you can enjoy a delicious cold treat on-the-go while losing weight.

Popeye's Chicken Diet Walk into a Popeye's and take a look at the menu. Oh, there's nothing here you would ever eat? Walk back out the door, it should still be swinging shut. You just saved yourself like 800 calories. Lunch is over, now hit the gym.

Here are a few new quick recipes, and you'll want to review Intelligent Recipes for the Bachelor/ette for even more ideas.

Cream of Water Soup: Purchase one can of Campbell's Cream of Chicken soup, discard contents, rinse out can, fill can with one can water, heat. Serves 1.

No-Carb Salad: Everyone hates carbs. They suck. Go to your local grocer, head to the butcher section and ask if they have any "ends." These are the unsellable sections of the meats that are usually available to the savvy carnivore for a discounted price. Toss the fatty cuts of ham, roast beef, and rabbit cock in a bowl with a couple packages of string cheese and enjoy. Use chopsticks for an Asian twist.

Blood: Just go bite someone on the throat as hard as you can. I don't think there's any fat in blood. All food just becomes some sort of cellular material at some point anyways, right?

*More than the recommended dosage

**Scissoring