Pat: The Magazine for Guys

With the football season coming to a close, many teams are finding out their chances for the playoffs have vanished, and they'll be playing their final game the first weekend of the new year. At least they have two more weeks of work unlike some other unfortunate souls. The NFL has laid off several eager minds this monday because their jobs have become obselete.



Statitical Technicians have been working around the clock these last few weeks trying to determine nearly impossible ways struggling footballs teams could still make it to the playoffs and not be "mathmatically" eliminated from post season action.

"Two weeks ago I had a formula that gave the Bears a chance at the playoffs while disproving the theory of relativity," said Marcus Smartlickski, a recent graduate of Western Illinious University.

"I tried landing a job at several accounting firms when I graduated, but nobody needed me. Then the NFL calls me up and asks me to determine the Bears chances to make the post season. I was thrilled. I didn't know anything about football, but if it was as easy as pirating free porn, I was in."

And Smartlickski was in. He gave hope and irrational thoughts to many in Chicago. He worked forty-eight hours straight this past week devising a senerio where the Bears wouldn't fuck up their chances. Unfortunately, Smartlickski didn't take into account that the Bears didn't have any offense.

Smartlickski, and hundreds similiar to him, got the call early Monday morning saying his services were no longer needed by the NFL. Most of the playoff spots were close to being filled, and many teams didn't need a mathematician blowing smoke up their asses.

"Well, now I could go back to my job as cashier at ALDI. At least I don't have to bag the groceries for those ingrates."

A spokesperson from ALDI asserts Smartlickski doesn't have to bag the groceries. "That's more of the customer's job."
When asked about any exciting career opportunities at ALDI for other newly-fired staticians, the spokesperson claims, "Paul Edinger just took our last cashier position."