naughty kitty
1. More lenient stalking laws in exceptional cases in which the girl from UPN's Veronica Mars doesn't realize that the only way for her socks to truly be safe is in my pillowcase.
2. Richard Mulligan from Empty Nest to replace Vice-President Dick Cheney.
3. The HIV to jump out of Andy (Erasure's singer) Bell's bloodstream and into Elton John's (and for Elton to quickly develop full-blown AIDS and die shortly thereafter).
4. TVs to be installed at every single CTA bus stop showing nothing but Elimidate, Blind Date, EX-treme Dating, and The 5th Wheel.
5. The alleged Paige Davis sex tape, no so much to watch, but to whack off while watching.
6. Bionic hamstrings for everyone on the Bears, or maybe just someone to show them how to stretch properly.
7. The long-awaited sequel to He-Man Smells Trouble by Bryce Knorr, entitled He-Man Tastes Danger.
8. Lipstick on men to finally become socially acceptable so I can accessorize the way God intended.
9. Three more Lord of the Rings movies I won't see.
10. A scientific community that will respect me and Rich's work in the ghost-hunting field, and take us seriously instead of whistling the Twilight Zone theme whenever they see us at strip clubs.
11. A crossword puzzle where all of the answers are either "meat" or "bone".
12. The Sunday comic strips to be retired indefinitely and replaced with something halfway funny, like obituaries written by people who didn't like the deceased.
13. The complete Head of the Class DVD collection, not so much to watch, but to whack off while watching.
14. Girls to stop calling each other "girl" on the phone.
15. The hooligan who damaged the wax figures of soccer "star" David Beckham and Posh Spice in a London Museum to vandalize the real-life couple, possibly with an electric drill.
16. Sponsor-encouraged profanity during network news. For example: "Some dumbfuck in a hummer just jumped the median on 90 west and crashed into the I-Pass tollbooth. Don't ask me how the fuck he pulled that off, but if you planed on taking that route to work this morning, your ass needs a plan B."
17. An unsightly case of scabies for the Sassy Blonde on Real World: Philadelphia as promised in the teaser for the upcoming episode. Wait a minute, if i ask for stuff that's already happening, I won't be let down...
18. A Gwen Stefani solo album that sucks worse than No Doubt.
19. An art exhibit to open in the Museum of Science and Industry displaying skinless preserved corpses playing chess.
20. A movie called Blade: Trinity starring Wesley Snipes (who hasn't been in anything since Blade II), the often blood-splattered midriff of Jessica Biel (for more beautifully bloody bare Biel belly-button, see also: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake; most episodes of 7th Heaven), and Ryan Reynolds, who calls Parker Posey a "cock-juggling thundercunt," which pretty much sums up my feelings for this film.
21. The Pat Magazine daily hit counter to soar into double digits.