For the sake of complete honesty, let me tell you this: I was looking forward to watching this, but deep down I’d have bet money that it was going to be a total piece of crap. Anybody who doesn’t understand that statement doesn’t need to read any further, because nothing that follows is going to make any sense either. And, if you’re one of those wieners who’s always worried about spoilers, get out now.
It’s Friday the 13th, for fuck’s sake. A guy in a hockey mask kills a bunch of obnoxious, good-looking teenagers/college kids, and then gets “killed” himself by the last one or two… but not really. It’s a formula.
It’s not total crap. Actually, this flick has quite a few things going for it. Most of the cast does a good job with the horseshit they were given in terms of dialogue. Jared Padalecki was solid as the concerned brother (aka Person On A Mission); usually this is a shit role that nobody who watches this stuff really cares about, but the formula says they have to throw it in anyway. Sure he’s handsome, and he’s got the cool-guy motorcycle, the tousled hair, and the troubled past/redemption backstory going. Padalecki pulls it off without going into self-righteous idiot territory, which is a nice change of pace.
Aaron Yoo as Chewie, the stoned-out mascot of the group, is a good character and fun to watch. Travis Van Winkle as Trent is probably the best spoiled-frat-rat-rich-kid-asshole I’ve ever seen on film. You couldn’t wait for the guy to get his. He’s got that Johnny Lawrence/Cobra Kai vibe oozing out of him in every scene.
The new Jason is athletic and aggressive, which is a nice change of pace from the lumbering cousin-of-Sloth-from-The-Goonies he used to be. No more shuffling behind people on a dead-run and still managing to get ahead of them. The machete is back as the weapon of choice, which is also an improvement. For the first time ever, you’re not going to wonder if the script was written in the aisle of a Home Depot by two douchebags standing around thinking up ways to kill people with whatever happens to be on sale.
Kill-wise, you’ve got a decent variety. There’s the obligatory machete-through-the-top-of-the-head-and-between-the-eyes, a lot of machete stabbing and hacking, a bow-and-arrow kill, an axe-throw, a fire-poker through the eye, an impaling on the back of a tow truck, and a couple more that weren’t too clear. The girl tied upside-down in her sleeping bag and hung over a campfire was pretty original.
Anybody watching for the titty factor won’t be disappointed.
So, all-in-all, not total crap. It moved along at a good pace and never got boring. Which is not to say that there weren’t a few problems. Like:
1. The local cop tells Clay-- the hero looking for his sister-- that the police have searched every inch of the county and turned up nothing. Yet somehow they managed to miss:
A.) a huge field of marijuana that two stoners with a GPS system found in the first 10 minutes of the movie, and
B.) the abandoned Camp Crystal Lake, which still has electricity even though no one has used it for decades, a shrunken head stuck in a gaping hole in the wall, and a bathtub half-full of blood.
2. GPS can locate a pot-field in the middle of nowhere?
3. A retarded person who’s lived alone in the woods since childhood, with no education, knows how to wire electricity in an old mine, set up tripwires, operate kerosene generators, and possibly weld?
4. Why does a deformed person who never sees anyone wear a bag-- and then a hockey mask-- to hide his face?
5. A girl whose total life experiences are high school and caring for her bed-ridden mother somehow knows how to pick a handcuff lock with a sliver of metal from a broken GPS?
6. The character Lawrence added nothing to the story.
7. Two kids disappear for over 12 hours in a place they’ve never been before, and nobody comments on it or suggests that they look for them.
8. Since when can a wood chipper eat over 30 feet of log chain without breaking down?
9. Jason is “killed.” His body is wrapped and tied in a tarp, then dropped in the lake. His mask is dropped in after him, on the other side of the dock. His mother’s locket goes in next. 25 seconds later, he vaults out of the water with no respect for the laws of physics, mask already on, to attack again. What the fuck?
Plot and logic holes galore, basically. The underground mine set-up felt like the end of House of 1,000 Corpses; it was the worst part of that movie, and it sucked here, too. The Final Girl (whoever she was supposed to be) was basically useless as a character. All she did was scream from time to time and rattle her chains. Zero charisma.
By far, the biggest flaw with this movie-- and a lot of horror movies that have come out in the last 15 years-- is that most of it is spent on people chasing, or being chased in the dark. The blue, green, or red dark. (I don’t know about Crystal Lake, but where I live the dark doesn’t have a color. It’s worked out pretty well for us so far.) This is retarded enough by itself. Add it to a lot of smash-cut editing and shaky handheld camera work, and what you end up with is a headache fucking mess.
Overall: I’m sure you’ve heard all their “re-imagining” bullshit, how they’re going to take the Jason character to some poorly-defined “next level.” How they want to make it bloodier and scarier and funnier than all the ones that came before. They’re making it for “a whole new audience.” It’s the same spiel they roll out every time they remake one of these things, and it’s brainless cat vomit. Somebody figured they could squeeze another buck out of this shit, and they did. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not worth watching.
I’m not sorry I missed this in the theater, but if you liked the old ones, it’s probably worth a rent.
She's officially back on the market, fellas. Obviously, every dude out there wants a shot at a freshly-liberated, castrating harpy with 50 kids who lives in a mansion far from civilization. But who deserves this modern-day Rapunzel? After a good 20 minutes of thought, I've narrowed it down to a few select choices who could fit her bitchy ying with their itchy yang. Michael Jackson's Dead Body --I don't own any Michael Jackson albums, don't know anyone else who does, and I can't think of any Michael Jackson songs that I like (or if he's even recorded one since the magical theme to Free Willy). I do know that he was really into fashion, dancing, and plastic surgery, which apparently made his music better so people loved him more? He also paid big money so he could allegedly molest kids or something. The worst part is that with all the MTV coverage on the day of his death, they pre-empted the new episode of "16 and Pregnant," thus ruining my entire week. We as a nation are picking MJ to over-mourn, when there are plenty of more deserving celebs who died in the past few years, such as writer Kurt Vonnegut, comedian George Carlin, and actress Farah Fawcett--people who really made contributions to mankind. Kate would be happy to go steady with Jacko because he would never talk back and loved children (but won't be able to diddle them because he is dead--that's a textbook win-win). If it's illegal to marry a dead body, this selection will change to either Macauly Culkin or Corey Feldman, depending on whichever of them is currently divorced and eligible.
President Obama --Aside from backing off on every single one of his campaign promises, Barack hasn't had a good scandal yet, and the best kind is always a torrid love affair. Sneaking away for a steamy shopping spree at Kids Gap, getting reservations at Dairy Queen 45 minutes before you arrive because you're ordering for ten people which is equal to a little-league team and their coach, appointments with the White House plastic surgeon for a consultation on Kate's massive taint scarring, in other words--true romance. Once the indiscretions are discovered (probably the day they begin), the scandal could actually benefit the Prez, as it would continue to keep the media from reporting on the fact that congress just approved $90,000,000 more for war, we just bombed Pakistan, he upheld the federal "gay marriage is bad, m'kay?" law, he's about to royally screw up health care, and the House is looking at a Climate/Energy bill that includes proposals from "Shell Oil, the coal-burning utility Duke Energy, and other corporate polluters.*" But any time I make fun of him in public, all I hear is, "Hey man, give him a chance, he just got into office."
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe --Just like Kate, this broad also had so many kids that she didn't know what to do. Judging by Kate's hairstyle--which looks like two of her kids tried to shave the back while another three yanked on her bangs--she is definitely harboring some amount of lesbian curiosity, and who better to experiment with than a character in a nursery rhyme who she has so much in common with?
O.J. Simpson --I don't really need to explain this one, do I?
Marilyn Manson --The Anti-Christ Pooperstar only shows up in the public eye when he gets a new slightly eccentric girlfriend. After dumping Dita Von Skeez for Evan Rachel Dud, it's only a matter of time before he needs to find a new suitorette, and what would shock the Christian right more than TLC airing Manson's make-over special, including scenes of him applying goth make-up to the kids' faces and fitting them for elevator boots and bondage gear?
Someone Who Will Make Her Wash Her Feet --Seriously, the only episode I've ever seen was the big divorce extravaganza, and during her interviews she had her bare feet up on the coffee table right in front of the camera, and they were nearly black. It looked like she had walked through a pig sty the day after someone treated the whole farm to dinner at the Old Country Buffet. Does she work part-time as a nude chimney sweep while the brats are napping? I mean fuck, I know you've got your hands full with spanking sixteen ass cheeks and your book tour or whatever, but how long would it take to turn on the faucet and give your toes a once-over with a bar of Zest? Can't you at least try and walk on some food at some point so maybe the dog will lick them clean? God damn.
Ted Danson or Richard Simmons --I asked my brother-in-law who he thought she'd be compatible with, and those are what he came up with.
During this fine week (or so) of hardcore journalism, we have looked at several beautiful, world-renowned women. Now let’s take a look at your life. The girls that came and went that easily could have been on this list if they had more talent, looks, or knew someone in show business. Chicks that you actually had a chance to score with, even if was a slight chance.
That gal at the bar after you’ve had six drinks and four shots of high-end scotch…
Face it, you’ve been there. Looking up from your pint glass to see a babe waiting for the hunchbacked bartender to finally take her order. Your eyes doing the dance between single and double vision. And through the blurred atmosphere this chick looks like the hottest thing to walk into the neon-infested room since the new deep fryers came in last spring. Sure you can’t make out any distinguishing facial features and the color of her eyes are better left to guessing, but damn, she’s hot. Is that cleavage or a belly? A hot ass or just one of her thighs? White teeth or a pearl necklace?
Some fucko said don’t sweat the small stuff, so why should you?
But since you accidentally poured the last quarter of your previous drink on your lap, making it look like you pissed your pants, you never got the courage to go up to her. Or the other eighteen chicks you thought were knockouts that night.
Advice: If she is still not hot after six drinks, go for it. Chances are she’s the only one in the bar with a perfect lack of self-esteem to continuously put up with your drunk ass.
Your second girlfriend’s best friend…
Remember those days? Everyone’s tits were perky. Stomachs were flat. Short shorts were flattering. Five inches of makeup didn’t have to cover up a decade of hedonism.
Yeah, back in the day when your hair wasn’t receding and you didn’t know the number to the pharmacy, you were dating a pretty hot chick. The first one that actually put out. But her friend…wow. Smoking. And a total slut. She sucked off at least three guys at that one party. And she always had a good bag of weed.
And she had eyes for you that one Saturday night. Remember? When your girlfriend had to go out of town to visit her aunt for some kind of intervention. You totally could have banged her if you didn’t have that fidelity stick lodged so far up your asshole it gave you a lobotomy. And she would have never told your girlfriend, because they were like… you know… best friends, but they hated each other.
Advice: Your window of opportunity totally slammed shut when she got the crabs. Now she has three kids, an ex-husband, and twenty-five thousand dollars in credit card debt. But you should have banged her, just for the hell of it.
More Advice: Your youth was as pathetic as your current life.
That chick at the Empty Bottle last month.
She was totally getting into the music. The rhythm of her hips hypnotized you. Instead of ironically drinking Old Style like half the city does these days, she was drinking a dark lager. Her tattoos didn’t scream pretentious--none of the “Asian“ symbols on obviously WASP skin. But she was with those two dorky guys--probably just token gay friends. And if one of them was banging her, you could have totally kicked both of their scrawny asses.
Did I mention she was totally rocking out?
Yeah, she was cool. And you were really going to talk to her after the last band got done, but then you got stuck in the pisser for awhile and she was gone.
You missed out again, asshole.
Advice: Chicks that rock are cool, but she would have totally run up your bar tab.
The chick that sometimes works in Aisle 6 at the Wal-Mart.
Yeah, yeah, I know, you only go there because toilet paper is real cheap.
Maybe it’s just because the majority of the Wal-Mart cashiers look burnt out and slightly inbred--as if somewhere deep in the Midwest there is a breeding compound/concentration camp for Wal-Mart employees. But she was different. The black mascara and two-toned hair was kind of rebellious in a everyone-does-it sort of way. Even with the blue smock her curves gave you a boner. She seemed to have at least most of her teeth. And she didn’t greet or even acknowledge you as she scanned your Angel Soft two-ply toilet paper.
Great customer service is for squares at fancy boutiques.
Advice: At least she’s working, and she probably gets a store discount. Stop using the fucking express lane if you have more than ten items, asshole.
The nurse that treated your head injury.
Since you couldn’t even catch a baseball in grade school, I don’t have any clue where you got the idea you would be great at any extreme sport…you uncoordinated fuck.
So I guess that week-long coma you went into proved me right.
But when you came out of it, there she was. Hotter than any gal you’ve ever seen after EIGHT drinks.
Yeah, that hot.
She lightly rubbed your bandaged head and told you it was going to be okay. All you could do is look up and try to remember just what the hell got you into this mess. But there was love in her eyes.
Yes, love. Not the kind of look she would give other patients. Especially that guy next to you with the congestive heart failure. And if you weren’t temporarily paralyzed from the waist down, there would be flimsy powder blue tent pitched at your midsection.
Unfortunately, you didn’t have any health insurance, so they had to kick you out hours after you came back to life. At least she wheeled you to the front entrance and gave a half-smile as the sliding doors closed.
Advice: At least with a head injury you will have a tangible reason why you’ll fuck up the rest of your life. Make sure you get a copy of the X-Rays. Part 2: Five Chicks you won‘t get… (Pre or Post Head Injury.)
Lake Drowning Victim #1 in Lifeguard Training Video
Okay, she wasn’t totally hot, but she looked so pissed off as the rescuer (demonstrating the proper way to throw a life preserver to a distressed swimming victim) pulled her back to the shore. Her glistening light blonde hair contrasting the vomit gray-green of the lake made me think there was a point to all the horrible drudgery of everyday life. And that is the definition of sexy. If she looked pissed when she was getting her life saved, chances are she will looked pissed doing just about anything else in life. Somehow, you could use this to your advantage. And imagine the wedding photos!
Gloria
Her details are sparse--she’s 26 from California.* She wears a T-shirt that only goes down to the bottom of her breasts. Most importantly, she wants to be my friend. Probably yours, too! And if you asked me, any gal with barely any personal information that solicits you on Myspace has to be nothing else than a genuine, take-home-to-momma prize. It may be too soon to proclaim my love, but haste makes waste.
Face Shooting Victim on "CSI: New York"
One minute she was skipping through the city’s sidewalks sniffing flowers and smiling like she just got dicked. The next minute her face was blown off. Any gal that plays a role where her face gets blown off has to have a great personality along with her looks. And really, isn’t getting buckshot in the face a metaphor for the willingness for something else? Wink. Wink.
Liz Taylor like more than a half century ago
Long story short: So I see this old movie with a sizzling black and white chick. Even in a one-piece bathing suit her sexuality drips from the television set.** Most movie endings have this thing called “credits.” This is usually a scrolling list of the actors, producers, and key grips. That list told me the hot chick was Liz Taylor. My scattered memories of Lizzie consists of some older woman wearing too much make-up, so you could only imagine my gaped mouth stare as I realized Old Lizzie was something before the aging make-up junkie.
BBQ Enthusiast
Scurrying to find one more hot chick to add to this list because I am oblivious to popular culture, I flip through the television channels. If fate was ever on my side, it was the moment I hit the Food Network. There, in all her glory, a smudge of BBQ sauce accentuating her blowjob lips, she told the world this is the greatest Southern BBQ shack. She didn’t give a damn who saw her eating the animal carcasses slathered in a tangy sauce with some kick. Not like half the gals you know that have strokes if their chewing gum isn’t sugar free. Any gal that tastes like Buffalo wings when you kiss her is all right in my book.
I didn’t include a picture with many of these descriptions, because it’s about time you used your imagination. Now go look at some porn, fuckos.
*Which, depending on which part of California, makes her hot
**Or perhaps it was something I left on top of the television
Concluding PM's extremely long overhaul of Maxim's bullshit list of hot chicks
Lady Jaye
A lot of guys got afterschool specials in their underoos for Scarlett or the Baroness, but Lady Jaye was the one. She had lousy taste in men-- Flint was a fucking douchebag-- but her voice was sexy and she totally knew how to rock a set of fatigues.
Chiaki Kuriyama-- It’s hard to believe that a girl trying to kill you with a ball-and-chain would be foxy. Not as hard to believe as the fact that I’d actually be attracted to someone wearing a fucking schoolgirl’s outfit, but still.
Alabama Worley
Tarantino’s dream girl still rings true. She’s slightly dirty, but not so bad she can’t be cleaned up. Will sit through a Sonny Chiba marathon. Likes comic books. Gets hot when you kill her pimp. Always up for a road trip. Can kill Tony Soprano with the lid from a toilet tank. And to top it all off, she tastes like a peach.
Rachel Ray-- Yeah… so she’s gained a little weight. I’m down with that. She’s got a raspy voice that surfs the verge between sultry and chemo. Okay. More pep than a cheerleader on coke. Sort of irritating, but whatever. She can cook, but every time I see her I think about eating out. And that’s why she’s a hottie.
PJ Soles Carrie. Halloween. Rock N’ Roll High School. The Devil’s Rejects. This chick is like a measuring stick for bad-ass cinema. Every time you see her there’s something hateful-hot about her-- you just want to hang out with her in the backseat of a drive-in for an hour or two.
Maura Tierney-- Remember this chick? Played Lisa on "NewsRadio"? For some reason I want to put her in the Janeane Garafalo category, except she doesn’t have all those whiny, college-kid opinions on how to save the world. Those are always a turn-off, so I guess this puts her a notch above.
Kari Byron ("MythBusters")-- She’s hot, she’s smart, and she knows how to blow things up. It doesn’t get much better than that.
Morticia Addams
I’m not a big fan of the tied-ankle-jiggle-walk, but other than that, you can’t go wrong with this one. So what if she’s got two kids? She’s like the goth Marilyn Monroe.
Alexis Texas-- Is it tacky to say porn stars are hot? Probably not as tacky as this chick’s face after a long day at work, but what the hell. She’s been in the business for a year and a half, and has already done 171 movies. Where else do you find that kind of work ethic these days? If she’s not careful she’s gonna wear that big ass off.
Claire Danes-- I didn’t see "My So-Called Life" when it was first on the air because I was in college, which meant I spent all my nights either getting fucked up or writing somebody else’s term paper for money that I could use to get fucked up. (Higher education, baby.) Eventually I saw them all when MTV used to play it non-stop, back when you could still watch MTV and not want to kill yourself. While I felt a little creepy about finding her attractive then, fortunately, she got older! So what if it means that from time to time I have to watch shit like The Mod Squad or Terminator 3... she’s still attractive. And she can act. (Just kidding. I would never watch Terminator 3.)
Linnea Quigley
Three reasons: lipstick through the nipple in Night of the Demons; antlers through the chest in Silent Night, Deadly Night; naked grave dancing in Return of the Living Dead. No matter how bad a movie this chick is in, whether she’s going to be naked or not, I’ll watch it. Good night Ms. Quigley… wherever you are. I spent the best part of my adolescence waiting for you to get naked, and now I’m spending the best part of my day thinking about how awesome that was.
31. Finalize the ceremony readings and readers. The most important thing here is to make sure the readers can read. If they can't read, they have to memorize it, which no one wants to do. That means they will probably end up making something up on the spot, and possibly begin unintentionally rapping. Most weddings use that crappy bible quote about how "love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous..." blah blah blah. Total cliche, it's like watching a fucking Hallmark movie of the week. I feel this one is much more romantic and appropriate: "And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads. And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is 666." --Revelation 13:16-18
32. Finalize the order of the reception. Be sure to let the guests in before the ceremony starts. For everything else, just "play it by ear."
33. Make a list of any people who will be giving toasts. Here are a list of archetypes, now just find a specific person to stick in each category for maximum heartwarming effect: 1. Drunk groomsman who tries to "wing it" and ends up stammering for a few minutes before dropping F-bombs and using the word "jizz-lobber" while reminiscing about inappropriate college hi-jinks. 2. Drunk bridesmaid who begins crying immediately upon taking the mic, then hugs someone. 3. Racist grandfather/uncle who tries to make a joke about how glad he is that the bride didn't end up marrying "that spic." 4. Little kid who just starts screaming until the sub-woofer blows out on the P.A. 5. Mother of the bride who makes thinly-veiled negative comments regarding her daughter's weight.
34. Submit a wedding announcement to your local newspapers. You can probably just Twitter the details, which will then be picked up by the Associated Press or Reuters, which are always scanning recent tweets for news stories to print.
35. Write thank-you notes when gifts arrive. The best way to save $ during this step is to wait until you happen to be hanging out with someone who bought you a gift at their house. Ask them if they have any thank-you cards, then you can just fill one out there and hand it to them. You save money on the card, the envelope, the postage, and the ink (if they have a pen too).
36. Meet with the officiant and discuss the service. Mainly, you want to find out if the church has wi-fi so guests can bring their laptops and not be 100% submerged in your shit-show of a fuck-fest.
37. Schedule a few trial appointments with your hair and make-up artists. The bride's hair artist should be her sister (in exchange for the glory of getting to stand up), and if you need to schedule an appointment just to see your sister, well fuck that. You can do your own make-up in the car on the way to the ceremony, but if you must have a trial appointment because it's an integral part of the wedding planning experience, go to the Party Store* and ask an employee to open a package of Halloween make-up so you can test out the vampire kit. Then wash your face.
38. Have your teeth cleaned or bleached. Seriously, bleach your teeth or you might as well not even get married.
39. Purchase all ceremony and reception accessories, including: Guest book --Fancy-ass leather-bound tomes for all the freeloaders to autograph are definitely a waste of money. Check the top shelf of your old closet in your parents' house for any half-filled spiral notebooks you used for Math/English class in high school before you dropped out. Or, if you had lit those on fire in the 7-11 parking lot, take your freshman yearbook and White-Out all the pages for a classier, hardbound volume. Toasting glasses --Putting glasses (drinking, eyewear, or other) in a toaster is just an invitation for danger. Garter --Everyone knows the garter ritual at the reception is just a metaphor for eating a thick, hairy slice of poon-tang pie, so why bother trying to conceal the notion with this time-consuming display? Just pull the dress over her head and actually stick your tongue in there like a starving man for all your friends and family to see. This is more realistic, and shows everyone how you truly care for and trust one another. Then, instead of tossing the garter, toss her pussy. Unity candle --You're at a fucking church and they don't have a spare candle? Make your own by melting crayons together. Ring pillow --If you don't want to take the risk of stealing a little doggy pillow from PetSmart, just fashion a miniature cushion by sticking together any bloody cotton-balls you may have lying around the apartment after shooting up.
40. Write your vows. How 'bout don't? Seriously, you'll look like an idiot, you can barely write your signature on your welfare check, and now you're going to verbally express your feelings for your true love in a room full of assholes? If you must, at least consult the PM Guide to Writing a Love Poem.
*The name of that store is misleading, they will NOT let you bring in a keg or a ghetto-blaster
Everyone knows that Patrick Swayze's epic magnum opus, Roadhouse (an everyman named Dalton's struggle to bring order to the Double Deuce--a chaotic bar where anything goes--and eventually the whole town), and to a lesser degree, Swayze's team-up with Keanu Reeves, the tour-de-force Point Break (a rookie FBI agent paired with Gary Busy on the hero's journey, determined to take town a group of surfing bank-robbers [as well as the Red Hot Chili Peppers]), are probably the greatest bad movies of all time. They transcend their shittiness and become almost biblical explorations on what it means to truly be a man in modern American society. But there are worse movies out there, ones that don't feature Swayze, Keanu, or even Jeff Goldblum, who wasn't in either of those. There are movies that suck so bad they're not even fun to make snotty little comments with your dipshit friends as you watch. There are movies available to the general public that can hurt you. These are just a few. Rent at your own risk, hot shot. Gigli Obviously, this was rented as a humorous experiment, just to see what all the fuss was about. For a little while, you're like, "Oh, it's bad, but not as extreme as its reputation," but then out of nowhere, Affleck does this weird Corey Haim half-smile, and it begins to plummet. That smile caused one of the three people I was in the room with to get up and leave, and I don't think they even had anything else to do. There is an incomprehensibly bad speech I can't find words to describe, but Jennifer Lopez delivers a treatise--while doing yoga--on the power of her "pussy" (her word, not mine), and it literally leaves Affleck in tears, because he thought it was so beautiful (the speech, not her twat). I failed to find the screenplay online or that particular scene on youtube to post, so I assume there's a covert ops team out there deleting any record of it to protect the public.
Coyote Ugly This served as an endurance test for me; it asks you how tough you really are, and you must respond by staying with it until the credits roll. A small-town girl wants to move to the big city to make it as a... songwriter. She doesn't want to be a singer, she just wants to write songs for LeAnn Rimes. Her dad is Dan Ackroyd and he doesn't want her to follow her dream because her mom died. Then she works at a real rowdy, sexy bar where everyone present says "Hell no, H20!" in unison if you order water, which is supposed to be funny. She stops a riot by singing along with "One Way or Another" by Blondie on top of the bar. The song she writes for a shot at the big time is called "Can't Fight the Moonlight." Then she fucks a dude. When I saw this, I felt like Alex during the reprogramming scenes in "A Clockwork Orange". It tortured me emotionally, physically, and by the end, my spirit was as broken as the condom I fucked your mom with last night. Waitress Keri Russel from "Felicity" is a small-town waitress who works at a "pie diner," which apparently exist. She is something of a savant and has a reputation for coming up with innovative and tasty new pies every single day. The movie uses her voice-over narration with overhead shots of hands rapidly adding ingredients to different pies depending on what she's talking about. That's right--a thematic motif of dessert metaphors. Here are some symbolic menu options if you don't believe me:
I Hate My Husband Pie: "You take bittersweet chocolate and don't sweeten it. You make it into a pudding and drown it in caramel."
I Can't Have No Affair Because It's Wrong And I Don't Want Earl To Kill Me Pie: "Vanilla custard with banana. Hold the banana."
Pregnant Miserable Self-Pitying Loser Pie: "Lumpy oatmeal with fruitcake mashed in. Flambé of course."
Over the Top Sylvester Stallone stars as Lincoln Hawk, a big-rig truck driver training for the arm-wrestling world championships, whose life is suddenly turned upside-down when he's given custody of his 12-year-old son, who he hasn't seen in years. Straight-laced serious Michael has recently graduated military school and thinks his father is just an uncultured buffoon, and resents him for leaving his mother, who is now on her deathbed. This odd couple takes to the open road, which Hawk hopes will be a bonding experience, but it's rockier than Hawk was hoping for, especially when the boy's angry, conniving grandfather underhandedly schemes to get custody for himself. Hawk teaches Michael that "life meets no one halfway," but if they try, maybe a father and son can. Also, Stallone turns his baseball cap around before he arm-wrestles anyone to let them know it's fucking game on. Just as powerful as Roadhouse and Point Break, but missing an important ingredient called Swayze. If you love movies featuring oily biceps and mullets, maybe you should go over the top. Silent Hill Watching this in an empty theater with Shawn Bruiser, I forced myself to fall asleep about halfway through (this is a defense mechanism I use a lot during bad movies that I've paid to see), and when I groggily came to 45 minutes later, I looked over and Shawn was passed out too. I woke him up so he could see a guy with a pyramid for a head running around on some steps doing nothing. This was after the lead actress had walked around for the whole movie, meeting up with some ghost-nurses that stood around doing neck exercises and some smoldering children who also performed acts of little or no consequence. Some time into the film's 4th hour, they tried to deliver some back story about some evil woman maybe who burned the town down, or had an evil child who she hung or not, I have trouble piecing it together because there were no pieces and I was drifting in and out of the sweet escape of slumber. Then I went on imdb.com and saw the message boards were full of people who thought it was the best horror movie of all time and how a lot of viewers didn't "get" that it "wasn't supposed to make sense." Everyone on Earth is an asshole.
Duets I watched the first ten minutes of this, and from what I could gather, Huey Lewis is a karaoke shark--as in he hustles people at karoke. Let me explain this further. He goes to a bar, makes fun of the whole idea of karoke to someone who's really into it and thinks they're a good singer, who would obviously bet Huey couldn't perform karaoke well and challenge him to a sing-off. Then Huey belts out a shitty Joe Cocker song, wows the crowd, wins the bet, and takes a hot karaoke groupie home to fuck with his dick. That was the opening scene. Thank God I changed the channel before they introduce his daughter, played by Gwyneth Paltrow. The sights and sounds of these two singing a duet are easily enough to make one want to go outside.
I Know Who Killed Me First of all, Lindsay Lohan, if you're playing a stripper, you have to strip. Let me ruin the ending for you--Lindsay's hand magically falls off or something and she thinks she's someone else and then it turns out she has a secret twin who's being tortured somewhere and every time she's wounded, a sympathetic injury appears on Lindsay. The killer is her dad! Or her twin's adoptive father. And then there's a spooky shot of an owl I think they just took from a Twin Peaks website or something. Barf.
Dan in Real Life Single-father-of-three-daughters Steve Carrel steals his brother (Dane Cook)'s, girlfriend while they're on a family vacation at a lake house. As if that's not a bad enough plot, what really annoyed me is that for the entire movie, the whole family is constantly involved in these well-organized, wholesome group activities no real family would do, including--but not limited to--the following: a boys vs. girls team crossword puzzle race, early morning outdoor group calisthenics, a talent show where Steve and Dane sing some Pete Townshend song no one's ever heard of, two-hand touch football, and the worst is for every meal the mom and dad cook a massive amount of food, like stacks of pancakes or sandwiches, in assembly line for all twenty family members. It just pissed me off. Fuck you.
Mindhunters Most of these other movies will hurt you to watch, but this is "so bad it's good" without poisoning your soul. It brings together the Dream Team cast of Christian Slater, Val Kilmer, and LL Cool J, you should watch it on that basis alone. A group of FBI serial killer profiler students go to a remote island for a training exercise, but it turns out that one of them is actually a murderer who uses really creative ways to dispatch with his quarry, with traps slightly less complicated than Saw or Final Destination. Actually, this isn't bad at all, I think I'm gonna go rent it right now.
More coverage of PM's in-depth and exclusive list of overlooked girls who deserve a place on "The Maxim Hot 100."
Daphne Blake
This fiery redhead rides around in a groovy van with a talking Great Dane all day looking to do nothing more than hunt ghosts and solve spooky--yet fun-filled--paranormal crimes, that is my fucking dream-job. Luckily, my high school guidance counselor recommended "College Drop-Out" instead. Life with the Queen of the Mystery Machine would mainly consist of driving to a run-down haunted amusement park/ski lodge/meth lab, meeting a group of seemingly nice townies who all become suspects, a make-out session interrupted by creeps and ghouls, getting chased by an autonomous suit of armor wielding an ax, getting captured in a basement filled with cardboard boxes, escaping because the villain can't tie a simple fisherman's knot, ignoring Velma, smoking a blunt with Shaggy, finding a vital clue such as a fake mustache or receipt from the holographic projector/Halloween sound effects store, then unmasking the sea monster who turns out to be one of the asshole managers who set the whole thing up as some sort of fucking insurance scam. Prick. Finally, you cap the day off with a massive, 24-inch tall sandwich, a handful of Scooby Snacks, and then get to feel up Daphne's boobs under her purple cardigan. The next day? SAME FUCKING AGENDA. Outstanding.
Both Gilmore Girls
I realize this show hasn't been on for a while, but the other day I saw the complete series 42-disc box set DVD collection and was tempted to buy it until I realized I was $220 short. I'm not sure which one is hotter because they're basically playing the same character at different ages, one is slightly too young, the other slightly too old. I watched part of the first season for some reason, but I can't remember why. I guess I've always wanted to watch the growth of a loving mother/daughter relationship portrayed the way only the WB could. Lorelai taught Rory to listen to 70's British punk and some other important life lessons I can't remember. This would be a great three-way because you could avoid the always awkward introductions prior to a menage a trois, and they would carpool so you wouldn't have to drive anyone home or shell out for bus fare.
Helen of Troy
You wouldn't know it from the picture, but this was known in its day as "the face that launched a thousand ships." The Greek epic poem by Homer tells the story of how she was so beautiful that her husband, a high-ranking member of the Greek parliament named Perseus, was so aghast when she was kidnapped by the Spartans from Troy, that he declared war--and not thumb war either, we're talking brutal, bloody war with lots of long passages with difficult words that are hard to understand, much less pass the daily quizzes on in Freshman Honors English, so you end up not reading past page five and just wing it for the rest of the quarter because someone already checked out the Cliff's Notes from the school library. C-. The Greeks turn the tide in the fight by hiding inside a giant wooden Ton-Ton and making libations to Athena, and Julius Caesar sends in reinforcements with this huge catapult that is on fire. Then there's a huge fight between Achilles, Hector, Ajax (not the same Ajax from The Warriors as played by actor James Remar), and Atreyu, who has a mystical sword that can cut through anything except wood, which is what Ajax's armor is made from. So most are killed by the flying killer bunny, and the survivors all get tricked into eating Agamemnon's family. Odysseus finally gets home after sailing for hours only to find his wife has married his son, Hamlet, and it turns out he actually died at Gettysburg and the whole thing from before that was just a flashback and he was a ghost. It's a twist ending. They also fight the Hydra. Kind of a fucked-up story, but the Greeks make great cheese, and even if you adjust for babe-inflation, it's safe to say Helen would probably be at least a 7 by today's standards, which is why this story is so timeless.
Veruca Salt, circa 1994
Continuing my odd fetish for bands with more than one female singer, Nina Gordon and Louise Post rode the crest of the short-lived, mid-'90s alt-rock boom and represented the Windy City alongside Smashing Pumpkins, Urge Overkill, Liz Phair, and Material Issue. Things were going great for the volcano girls until they suddenly split up after their second album as a result of a fight over a guy (who might have been Dave Grohl but I'm probably wrong). After the girls shut their American thighs for good, Billy Corgan started using synths and kicked everyone out of his band, Urge got into drugs, Phair became a mom and hired Avril Lavigne's song-writing team (seriously, they're called "The Matrix"), and the guy from Material Issue killed himself. Now, Chicago's best-known rock export is Fallout Boy. Gordon has since released solo albums that are a little too Adult Contemporary, and Post has continued under the Veruca Salt moniker to varying results, but neither have retained the magical essence without the harmony of their lost musical soulmate. Evidently, you really can't fight the Seether.
Michelle Galdenzi
Runner-up in the much-ignored (with good reason) VH1 reality series "Scream Queens," and therefore, will not be seen in a small role in the upcoming Saw VI. Michelle took up the reality show cliche role of "the bitch" by default, as most of the other contestants didn't have a personality, so she listlessly thrust herself into the job. Although just an average, generic hot girl with a poor attitude, she makes the list for providing one of the greatest moments in the history of--certainly VH1, if not all--basic cable TV history:
Kat Dennings
Completed the impossible task of getting someone (me) to sit through an entire interview with Carson Daly. Her hypnotic mammaries and big, fat mouth had me entranced to the point that it quelled my usual rage at the fact that Carson still exists on this plane of reality, and still has a show. Kat played Carolyn Keener's goth daughter in The 40 Year Old Virgin, and had a small part in The House Bunny, as well as starring in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, including a scene in which the filmmakers insinuated that she was being finger-banged by Michael Cera without a condom.
Rogue
This X-Woman would make a great girlfriend for several reasons: 1. Most women are very closed off emotionally in a romantic relationship because they're afraid of truly getting close and never want to have serious talks and really get to know their man on a deep level. Since this southern belle's mutant ability is to temporarily absorb the total psyche--including thoughts and memories--of anyone she has skin-to skin-contact with, she will have no choice but to know your innermost consciousness, including whether or not you drink straight from the milk carton or really want kids, so be wary. 2. If you're a guy with intimacy issues and hate to be touched, you also win, because you can say, "I don't want to kiss right now because you will knock me unconscious and steal my powers." And 3. If you're able to somehow bypass/negate her uncontrollable power and get physical, there is the occasional option of doing it with another chick, because she once accidentally absorbed the persona of Carol Danvers/Ms. Marvel permanently, and now has a sexy Dissociative Personality Disorder. Bonus!
Anna Davlantes
She makes the Chicago NBC news feel like you're watching porn. With a team of hairstylists, make-up artists, and wardrobe assistants, her getting-ready-to-go-to-Panera-Bread/Home-Depot-time is 68% shorter than the average woman. Wouldn't it be more fun to talk about your day at work with someone holding a channel 5 microphone in your face and staring into a camera? Things in the bedroom would be more exciting and filled with drama; imagine getting a blowjob and she suddenly stops, looks up, and says, "Coming up in sports: were the Blackhawks able to rally back from an 0-3 deficit? And later, you won't believe what's lurking inside this north-side resident's testicles. The answer when we get back!" You would be like, "Get back from where?" Then you come in her mouth and she starts reporting on a hockey game you don't care about. Plus, a lot of news anchors are used to having local stalkers, so she probably wouldn't even call the cops when you break in to steel dirty bedsheets/used soap.
Allison Harvard
The runner-up (I don't care for winners outright) from "America's Next Top Model" cycle 12 has been described by the judges as resembling "the Bride of Chucky" due to her extremely pale, porcelain doll-like skin (a possible sign of anemia) and otherworldy, frighteningly large eyes. She admitted in the first episode to having a blood fetish, and finds herself jealous of those who have frequent nosebleeds, as she has yet to experience that joy. Allison is an artist who does mixed-media Clive Barker-ish paintings, so you know there's more to her than the typical Top Model concerns, like training to smile with your eyes and discovering your inner fierceness. She also has a charming penchant for making awkward comments like randomly telling Tyra, "You're really pretty," in the middle of a photo-shoot. I'll never forget the episode the contestants went to Brazil to model thong bikinis and the producers blurred out her ass, I almost threw an entire plate of spaghetti at the TV, but then ended up just eating it. We'll probably never see/hear from her again, which is how all good relationships should end.
Amanda Palmer
I finally stumbled upon this performance of the Dresden Dolls' "Girl Anachronism" like four years after everyone else had heard of them, and was really impressed with party-time lyrics like: "And you can tell from the state of my room/that they let me out too soon/and the pills that I ate/came a couple years too late" and "I am not so serious/this passion is a plagiarism/I might join your century/but only on a rare occasion." It's healthy to relate to that, and this charming stanza from "First Orgasm:" "I am too busy to have friends/a lover would just complicate my plans/so I will never look for love again/I'm taking matters into my own hands." Immediately recognizing a kindred spirit, I looked up more random stuff from them on youtube for like three hours. They do some sweet covers, like an acoustic version of "The Ghost in You" by Psychedelic Furs, Fugazi's "Blueprint," and this Halloween show that they opened dressed as Sonny and Cher and played "I Got You, Babe," then "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" as Britney Spears, but they changed costumes on stage and she strips down to nothing but panties and tape over her nipples, which almost gave me a boner. Then I was really flabbergasted by this bizarre, elaborate video of her lip-synching to a song from Avril Lavigne's second album, which I for some incomprehensible reason purchased and listened to non-stop as a guilty pleasure for the entire summer of 2005. Finally, I got to "Oasis" from her new solo album which is both spunky and extremely offensive. Amanda does not seem "cute" or "pretty" by conventional standards, yet I still have a stirring in my heart for her that I can only describe as a "romantic notion," based on admiration and respect for her talent and mentally unbalanced endeavors.
Tiffany Shepis
In comparison to last year's B horror movie starlet pick--the innocent girl-next-door Tanya Dempsey--Tiff would be the not-so-innocent slut two rows over in detention. She first caught my eye in the incomparable Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp, in which she played a sexy co-ed who would become the victim of a murderous madman in the woods. During my viewing, I soon realized she had female sex organs and was none too shy about displaying them gratuitously and with extreme prejudice. I quickly submerged myself in her entire oeuvre (or at least whatever was available to rent for $1.99 in the Hollywood Video VHS Horror section), let's take a look at some highlights:
Death Factory--Tiffany lights up the screen in a villain turn as a murderous madwoman hunting down (for the purpose of murder) a group of of sexy co-eds in an abandoned warehouse. The title is extremely apt, and is the only thing they got right. This film was not mentioned once during Oscar season.
Scarecrow--Tiffany shines as a sexy co-ed who befriends a nerd who is killed and subsequently resurrected as a murderous scarecrow. Spawned the sequels Scarecrow Slayer and Scarecrow Gone Wild, neither of which live up to their names. This particular scarecrow is the worst at what he does best, and does not even compare to such previous luminaries in the scarecrow genre, including--but not limited to--the one from Wizard of Oz, the one from Dark Night of the Scarecrow, "The Scarecrow and Mrs. King," or Crow from "Mystery Science Theatre 3000."
Delta Delta Die!--Tiffany soars as a sexy co-ed who pledges a sorority that specializes in fund-raising bake-sales that secretly feature human flesh in the stew (more like ew!). But she does perform a ten-minute full-frontal nude dance to some bad techno right in the middle for some reason, someone must have deleted/misplaced/burned a few pages of the script.
The Hazing--Tiffany dazzles as a sexy co-ed who wears a skin-tight silver spaceman bodysuit to a Halloween party, then shows her tits and gets killed by the supernatural.
Abominable--Tiffany explodes onto the screen in the latest of many new movies to feature the evil Yeti. See also: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon, and I think Van Helsing with Wolverine and his magic crossbow. Wendigo doesn't count because that monster is Canadian.
Detour--Tiffany defies expectations in an early cameo I don't really remember. I think she wears Daisy Dukes and gets killed.
Nympha--Tiffany turns in an acceptable performance as a young co-ed who has gotten thee to a nunnery, only to have her eyes poked out, her eardrums popped, and her tongue sliced off. The remaining 79 minutes are a disastrous mess of dream sequences and lackluster lesbian shit.
Nightmare Man--Tiffany eclipses all six of the other cast members in this deadly tale of a group of sexy co-eds hanging out in a house while a madman with a madmask stalks them, with only madness and murder on his masked mind. Her breasts are bared.
I have yet to see The Deviants, but imdb.com lists her character as "Marina the Nudist," so I assume she disrobes yet again and possibly dies. Other movies of hers that all sound good but I'm finding hard to track down: Embrace the Darkness 3, The Ghouls, Corpses, Hoodoo for Voodoo, Boobies, Dorm of the Dead, Kiss Your Ass Goodbye, Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! and Smoke Pot Till You Fucking Die. Plus, she was engaged to Corey Haim.
We will now begin the exhaustive task of replacing the skanks we felt didn't belong on the "Maxim Hot 100" list with more deserving young women.
10. Jordana Brewster- The chick from some movies with Vin Diesel.
She should probably be higher up on this list, but I'm too lazy to cut and paste things.
9. A Ghost-
8. Eva Mendez- Duh.
Jesus H. Christ on a Crawfish. She's just so damn hot.
7. Amy Winehouse- Sure she's had a rough year, but she's come through looking Fiiiine...
Amy, Amy, Amy... I can only imagine that you smell even worse than you did when you earned a spot on this list last year. I have a bit of a fetish for Jewish/ Jewish-looking girls. She almost kills it every time I look at her. Hot!
6. Aishwarya Rai- If Bollywood and Dollywood had a bastard child it would not have turned out this hot.
Rai has been called "The Most Beautiful Woman in the World" by a hell of a lot of people in a hell of a lot of media forums. I can't name any, except "60 Minutes."
5. Cow Mugshot Lady- Grace, Sophistication, Class.
How do I even begin to write about this woman? Honestly, her elegance and beauty do the talking. I can easily say that she had my heart from the second I clicked on some link that said a woman in a cow costume was arrested for Disturbing the Peace and Public Intoxication. Swoon.
4. Blake Lively & Leighton Meester- Most people don't know or care which is which.
I love watching "Gossip Girl." So what? What gives you the right to judge me? No really...why do you think I care if you hate that show? You've probably never even seen a full episode. Honestly, when I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. Seriously, some people.
3. Meagan Good- I saw a picture of her in which her wig almost fell off while she was dancing.
Meagan Good is not that great of an actress. She pretty much plays the same person in every single role in every movie I've seen her in. Also, I just found out that she's trying to launch a singing career. Not a good idea. Oh man... That said, she is really really really really hot. Like, for real. Look at her lips. Look at her eyes. Look at her body. She's really hot. I mean, really.
2. Me- I'm just awesome.
I had to vote for myself again and it turns out I voted for myself enough to get the number two spot on my list!
1. Sacajawea- A babe who has been honored with more commemorative markers and statues than any other woman in the United States!
There aren't any actual photos of this babe, but I guess going off of this statue you can see why I chose her as this year's Hottest Babe. As it turns out, she was so dope that three states claim she came from them. Since that's not possible, I think we can all agree that she hatched out of a crystal egg!
The following young ladies were left over when we ran the Maxim "Hot 100" through the PM Hardcore Journalism Filter, and I will now attempt to justify keeping them:
96. Olivia Munn She does something on the video game network my friend Jerry watches and I've played Pac-Man at his house. 97. Marisa Tomei Took one for the team by appearing fully nude for the entire four hours of The Wrestler, which I watched a grainy, pirated print of online, so I couldn't really tell if she still has a nice body, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because I doubt it would benefit me either way. 95. Padma Lakshmi
I was kind of pissed Maxim noticed this "Top Chef" judgette because I originally had her on my own list. You have to like a girl who's not afraid to let everyone see a gnarly, disgusting scar on their arm as she gets pissed off about pasta sauces. And for all I know, she got it in a switchblade fight with another hot chick who's snobby about food, like Rachel Ray, the Swiss Miss, or the girl from Wendy's. 91. Chelsea Handler My current life's ambition is to appear on her show's panel, and before that I didn't even have a goal, so you could say that she is teaching America how to dream again. 85. Michelle Trachtenberg I saw her in something once. 83. Whitney Port Rocked the entertainment world to its core by proving a show could be worse than "The Hills." To do that on her own with "The City" took guts, perseverance, raw talent, and some really patient cameramen. 77. Stacy Keibler I'm pretty sure the former wrestling diva/dancer with the stars is unemployed right now (or should be) but she still gives me a boner, which is what matters in life. 76. Cameron Richardson
This little hooch is on a really bad CBS multiple murder mystery mini-series called "Harper's Island," which I don't know why I watch. Anything I don't understand, I'm attracted to, which explains why I'm often found groping Calculus textbooks. 75. Tricia Helfer I have relatives somewhere who like "Battlestar Galactica." 74. Amanda Bynes She just seems really genuine. Also, by sheer chance, I have never seen any of her movies, which I'm sure helps. 73. Ashley Tisdale Statistical law of romance states that a girl with a nose job is always easier to boss around, regardless of how much they insist it was to correct a sinus condition. 67. Emmy Rossum Was in a movie with Kurt Russell; if you date her, your chances of someday meeting him increase by a large margin. 66. Emma Stone Appeared in the movies Superbad and The House Bunny, both of which are considered by many to be "watchable," which is high praise in today's cultural Dust-Buster of a society. 64. Diora Baird Has big tits. 60. Carrie Underwood Sings songs about good old-fashioned wholesome family-friendly country things, which increases the velocity of my ejaculate. 57. Audrina Patridge Regardless of the fact that she always seems to be trying to stare at her own forehead, she looks like she could really carry a child to term. 54. Rachel Bilson Has probably been in something at some point. 53. Kim Kardashian Paris Wiltin' has been quoted describing Kim's posterior as "a garbage bag filled with cottage cheese." Well guess what? Cottage cheese is high in protein and calcium, low in fat, and tastes delicious. That being said, Kim is a stupid bitch and her whole family should explode. Also, Reggie Bush is a liability on your fantasy football team, and should not be drafted until you already have two solid running backs. 50. Taylor Swift It probably wouldn't even take an entire 6-pack of wine coolers to get her seriously considering a three-way with Miley Cyrus. 49. Freida PintoSlumdog Millionaire was basically like watching a gameshow interspersed with a love story, but at least you got to see a child get drugged and acid poured in his eyes. I haven't seen that since the last time I was at Toys 'R Us. 48. Arielle Kebbel Is entertaining just for her complete inability to pick scripts that don't turn out to be embarrassing for everyone involved. See: American Pie 4: Band Camp. Soul Plane, The Grudge 2, Aquamarine, Red Mist (a group of med students get wasted and accidentally kill a janitor, then revive him with some experimental treatment which leaves him in a coma but able to telepathically control people who he can use to murder Arielle and her friends), and of course, John Tucker Must Die. 47. Katie Cassidy Also stars in "Harper's Island," and I'm predicting CBS will make a ground-breaking move by actually killing her in real life during the season finale. 45. Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry" is just a great song. 44. Avril Lavigne 43. Elisha Cuthbert Still gets points for showing 1/3 of her left boob in Kevin Dillon's cabin during "24" season 2. 42. Nikki Reed I don't know what she's done of note in years, but she may as well be on a list if people are still making them. 41. Nadine Velazquez Blurted out, "I want... a baby," while hosting the Miss America Pageant live. Desperation is more attractive than a fancy evening gown any day of the week. 39. Anna Faris She probably likes to hang out, a lot of girls aren't into that. 36. Hayden Panettiere If she doesn't deserve a good spanking then no one does. 35. Anna Kournikova It would be awesome if she actually did something with her life, but if not, she'll still be hot for years to come, unless Enrique Iglesias's mole somehow infects/attacks her face. 34. Scarlett Johansson Married Deadpool. 33. Blake Lively Still have never seen "Gossip Girl," but everything on the CW is hot if you think about it. 30. Penélope Cruz Kind of resembles a sewer rat, but a sexy sewer rat. 27. Vanessa Hudgens Anyone who's dated Zac Effron has GOT to be something special. 24. Eva Mendes I don't think she's done anything since Ghost Rider, but it's hard to follow up something that mediocre. 23. Lindsay Lohan Becoming a lesbian at random helped her standing, but she's gonna have to work hard to stay on the list next year. To continue being shocking, she's either going to have to join the army or slip into a drug-induced coma for at least a month. 20. Moon Bloodgood Makes the cut on the basis that her name sounds like she could play drums for the Misfits or be a Powerpuff Girls villain or something. 19. Chan Marshall
How Cat Power showed up on Maxim's list is a mystery, but she is definitely a babe. I had You Are Free but I scratched the CD up pretty bad when it got stuck in my stereo and I tried to get it out with a steak knife. Someone just wrote a book about her and apparently she does ads for Chanel now, so you know she at least uses expensive perfume to cover up any odor accrued from sitting on dirty piano benches. 16. Gina Carano Girls fighting in real life is kind of trashy, but when it's sanctioned by state sporting associations and there's a referee, it can be quite becoming, especially since Gina usually breaks the contract by outweighing her opponents by like 20 lbs. and they let the fight go anyway. 15. Katy Perry A good reminder that hormones can outweigh brain power and you're still just an idiot caveman after all. 12. Leighton Meester I recently witnessed her stunning back-to-back performances in The Haunting of Sorority Row (AKA: Deadly Pledge) and Drive-Thru (in which she plays an teen emo frontwoman on the run from a killer fast-food clown). Unfortunately, I can't find Hangman's Curse anywhere, and I'm Gonna Kill You isn't out yet, but those are something to look forward to. 11. Jessica Biel Deserves respect for the likelihood that "7th Heaven" will someday reach the revered status of "Full House" by all Americans. 8. Rihanna Innovator of Black-Eye Chic. Think of all the money you could save on make-up if you got a boyfriend who punches you in the face--no more need for red lipstick, blush, eye-shadow--it's all brilliantly mimicked by your body's natural bruising/bleeding mechanisms. 7. Adriana Lima There's a sex tape on the Internet that claims to be her, but even if it's not, someone was having sex, and that's just great. 6. Eliza Dushku I leave her on the list out of guilt because all of her shows look cool but get canceled, and I feel partially to blame because I never watch them since I'm usually on my way to, at, or on my way back from 7-11. 5. Mila Kunis Does the voice for Meg Griffin. 4. Malin Akerman Played Silk Spectre II in Watchmen, and any girl in a superhero movie is automatically aces in my book. Except for Halle Berry, Katie Holmes, Liv Tyler, Jessica Alba, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Bosworth, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and uh... Kirstin Dunst was alright. 2. Megan Fox Recently broke up with "90210"'s Brian Austin Green, so now maybe she can find a real man like Grant Show from "Melrose Place," Jamie Walters from "The Heights," or Cody from "Step By Step."
Next: Replacing the babes that got cut with a more worthy selection of overlooked dynamos
Once again, we here at PM will be exhaustively poring over Maxim's entire list of "The Sexiest 100 Women Alive"--for at least five articles--telling you who needs to be cut, who actually belongs, and who should replace them on our new and improved roster.
The 2009 edition is a travesty, per usual. The following babes* do not belong on anything called "The definitive list of the world's most beautiful women."
100. Deanna Russo I don’t know who this is. 99. Melissa Rycroft I didn't know who this was, so I looked it up and was filled with regret. 98. Rebecca Mader I don’t know who this is because I was filled with regret the last time I looked one of them up. 94. Yvonne Strahovski This is the name of an expensive Violin, not a hot chick. 93. Michelle Obama The day there's a hot woman in the White House is the day William Howard Taft gets a sex change. More cushion for the pushin', right guys? 92. Joanna Krupa
Apparently, this girl was a year younger at my high school, but no one I knew did it with her. Then again, I didn't really talk to anyone in high school, so for all I know she fucked everyone. What a slut. 90. Roselyn Sanchez I didn't know who this was, so I looked it up, but then forgot. 89. Jamie Chung Apparently, this girl went to Jugle's high school but never did it with Jugle, which means she must be a stuck-up bitch, because Jugle was on the varsity track team and they went to fucking STATE. 88. Diane Kruger Starred in a movie named after Chicago's Wicker Park, but Wicker Park didn't really have anything to with Wicker Park. 87. Summer Glau I don't know what high school she went to, but the "Terminator" TV show is really bad (at least the first five minutes of the pilot were). 86. Ali Campoverdi Currently employed as an "assistant for a deputy chief of staff to the president," which means she's complicit in war crimes. Baby killer. 84. Minka Kelly She dates Derek Jeter; I don't follow baseball and even I know that's a more trustworthy indicator of VD than a burning sensation during urination followed by a discharge of greenish pus. 82. Emma Watson It's the same as child molestation even if she's 18, because she was still underage when she made all the Harry Potter movies, you pervs. 81. Heidi Montag Cut your head off, bring the rest of your body over, and we'll talk. 80. Jamie Gunns This sounds like the name of the local stripper who gets all the mid-day shifts so she can pick her kids up after school. 79. Jaime King They obviously threw her in as filler, so I don't even have to make a joke. 78. Danica Patrick Not only is she wasting precious fossil fuels by driving around in a circle for hours at a time, but to paraphrase our nation's President: "You can put lipstick on an ugly stupid bitch..." 72. Camilla Belle
She has slightly weird eyebrows, and stole one of the Jonas brothers from Taylor Swift, which is just not very sisterly. 71. Gabrielle Union Was in one of those creepy Tyler Perry "Madea" movies with the weird cross-dressing grandma that makes you think they made a film version of "In Living Color" and then you remember how there are people out there who take Jamie Foxx seriously as an actor and you just want the Earth to stop so you can get off and hitch the next rocket to Pluto where the gravity will crush you to death but at least you will die on a planet without the Wayans brothers. 70. Maria Menounos "Access Hollywood" will just always be inferior to the zeitgeist-defining "Extra." 69. Jennifer Morrison Went to Prospect High School in Illinois, I have no idea who she fucked, but I've never seen her at any Chicagoland Target locations, and that's a red flag for me. 68. Ashley Greene According to my niece, "Twilight is the stuff that won't flush." 65. Amanda Righetti Allegedly performed acting in the remake of Friday the 13th, which I didn't see because I'm not some prick asshole. 63. Milla Jovovich The Resident Evil movies are getting progressively worse, and she's progressively looking more and more like an actual zombie. 62. Heidi Klum Gets points for literally turning guests away from her annual Halloween party if they're not in costume, but she's bred with Seal which has never been considered cool (or hot). 61. Dania Ramirez Hails from the Dominican Republic, which is like my second-least favorite Central American island nation. 59. Ana Ivanovic She is a Serbian tennis champ, but I don't care for that sport. If she switches to bowling, miniature golf, or Lazer Tag, I would find her more desirable. 58. Miranda Kerr Models for Victoria's Secret, but who wants to bang a girl wearing panties? Your weiner gets chaffed. 56. Amber Heard Played Seth Rogan's girlfriend in Pineapple Express, and I'm really over Seth Rogan at this point. 55. Christina Milian Either she or Vanessa Minnillo dates Mario Lopez or Nick Lachey, and all four of them can go to hell. 52. Beyoncé I just have the feeling if she didn't tweeze twice a day, you'd have a one-way ticket to Unibrow City. 51. Sienna Miller I still don't know who this is, I'm not looking it up, and I'm 80% sure she didn't go to high school in the Chicago suburbs, but I bet if she got fingered by someone, I would've heard about it. 46. Nicole Scherzinger If she died today, she wouldn't even get a posthumous Grammy next year. 40. Lily Allen Foreigner, possible terrorist. 38. Charlize Theron Dated the singer from Third Eye Blind, who I've always considered a human bowel impaction. 37. Cameron Diaz She's going to be 37 this year. 37! 32. Ciara I used to get her confused with Rihanna, and I don't like being confused one bit. 31. Hilary Duff Took a wrong turn down Chode Road, started dating one of the queers from Good Charlotte, and now is probably considered step/half aunt-in-law of Nicole Richie's bastard child. 29. Zoe Saldana Plays Uhura in the new Star Trek, but everyone knows the only hot chicks in that world are either green, cyborg, or Khan. 28. Danneel Harris I don't like girls who add/delete letters from their first names. 26. Angelina Jolie Mrs. Pitt's genitals have seen more mileage than a woman three times her age. If you stuck her, the Octo-Mom, and Kate Minus Jon Plus 8 in a room together, whoever came out would still have a pretty loose snatch. 25. Julianne Hough Is one of the trainer people on "Dancing With the Stars," which is a show only really old people watch, and I hate the idea of 70-year-olds enjoying themselves. Bullshit. 22. Kate Beckinsale Vampires don't shoot guns, I will never forgive the Underworld series for overlooking that obvious historical fact. 21. AnnaLynne McCord This is the "bad girl" on the new 90210, and her hair is so massive and 80's that she looks either like an extra in a Warrant video, or a co-star in an underage Traci Lords porno, neither of which bode well for the status of her pubic region styling. 18. Marisa Miller This is what I don't get about Maxim's system: she was #1 last year, but something happened in the last 365 days to magically allow Britney Spears to suddenly pass her up? I smell a rat. And fish. Wait, that's me. 17. Britney Spears Maybe ten years and two babies ago. 14. Christina Aguilera Maybe ten years and one baby ago. 13. Jessica Alba Maybe ten years and three abortions ago. 10. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maybe ten years and twelve pregnancy scares ago. A ghost just whispered to me that no one watches her show. 9. Jordana Brewster Again, weird eyebrows--that's a deal-breaker, ladies! 3. Bar Refaeli This sounds like a Wrigleyville hangout I would never step foot in. 1. Olivia Wilde Way to go Maxim, you have once again given #1 status to some marginally attractive girl no one's ever heard of.
You're all cut, it's official.
Next: Who gets to stay, and why?
*Remember, this is technically not sexist because these girls have already objectified themselves.
