Quit smoking If you smoke to have something to do with your hands, buy a Rubik's Cube, they'll keep your fingers busy and make your brain do push-ups! If you smoke to relieve stress, break into a pharmacy and steal as much Valium as possible. If you smoke to look sophisticated, guys can fold a red handkerchief into three points and stick it in their front pocket, ladies can get a long-stem cigarette holder like the Penguin from Batman, only insert an expensive brand of lipstick or a $100 bill in the end.

Finish the job in Vietnam We need to cowboy up and take care of business. The idea of all those American boys dying in vain makes me sick. It's time to go back and tie up a few loose strings. If not now, when?

Lose those pesky 10 lbs. Everyone wants to trim a couple inches from their bulging waistline in the new year, but it's been proven that moderate exercise and a healthy diet simply don't work. Stomach stapling/gastric bypass is en vogue, but with our new, free, universal Obama health care, who can afford it? That's why I've designed a safe and effective home technique: lip stapling/mouthic bypass. By fastening your oral labia together with an industrial-strength stapler, brads, or Krazy Glue, you will find it nearly impossible to succumb to those late-night snack cravings, because you won't be able to get the cheese and mayonnaise sandwich into your mouth, you fat fuck. However, no one wants to starve to death, so the next step is to learn how to eat lower-calorie food that can only fit IN YOUR NOSE. That's right, you'll be forced to eat less because you can only ingest things you can cram into your nostrils and suck down your sinus cavities. In our lab tests, asphyxiation became an ongoing issue, therefore, the third and final step is a controlled tracheotomy. The brief description for this process is to use a sharp knife to make a 1" vertical slice just under the Adam's apple, squeeze it open (like you would a urethra to fit a catheter), and insert a ballpoint pen (remove the ink tube and writing nub first, lest you get ink stains all over your esophagus) into the breathing passageway. It may sound crazy, but this literally cutting-edge weight loss system has worked for me, or rather, a similar system has worked for me: no staples, but I only eat Fritos and yogurt.

Block during passing and running plays On offense (when your team has the ball), you will find more success in gaining yardage, sustaining drives by converting first downs, and even scoring(!) if you impede the defense from tackling the player with the ball immediately following the snap. When a play calls for the quarterback to throw, block the pass rush so he doesn't get tackled right on his dick, and actually has time to look around and release the ball, as opposed to just closing his eyes and flinging it wherever so he sets a team record for most interceptions in a single season. If the running back takes a hand-off and wants to run forward, push the defensive tackles and ends backward, that way, your ball-carrier won't get stuffed at the line of scrimmage, which results in many Chicagoans destroying their brand-new plasma screens by hurling salsa dishes and cats at them.

Clean out your mobile device There are a ton of contacts for people you haven't talked to in years and no longer need stored. For example--looking at my own list right now--I needed Jaime's brother Jay's number when I was dog-sitting for her and John and had to give Jay the keys to the condo so he could take over for the last week. Jay's a good guy, but will I ever need to call him again in my life? I hope not. Coworkers from when you worked at Arby's in 1994 and needed someone to cover your shift, drug-dealers from college when everyone was doing that hard-to-get strain of morphine that only grew on the moon, a couple of exes who passed away due to AIDS-related complications, etc., you can delete all of these numbers now. The best way to accomplish this is to live a lifestyle that enables you to continually drop your phone on the sidewalk while running from newly-liberated zoo animals, or drop it in a public toilet a few times. Sooner or later, things will work out for themselves and you will lose everything. (Or in the case of my 2004 Nextel, the right half of the screen will completely disappear and the rest will reverse itself so everything is backwards like a mirror.) Now you're free to make all new friends and family!

Start doing steroids If you really want to bulk up and cut some chiseled pecs, watching wrestling and drinking Miller Lite alone won't get the job done, you need to start injecting shit in your ass. The so called "negative side-effects" of prolonged use can actually help you attain some new goals as well, including, but not limited to: shrinking your balls so you can save money on smaller underwear sizes, uncontrollable acne that will make time-wasting face-washing an unnecessary luxury, and explosive 'roid rages negate the need to psych oneself up or wait for a burnt dinner before a good wife-beating.