25/12: The PM Holiduh Variety Show Spectacular
So CBS poured over $10,000,000 into my Christmas special before realizing it was unairable and pulling the plug. I tried to get the rights back so I could put it on YouTube, but Viacom won't sell it to me and destroyed all the footage, so I transcribed the entire 5-hour show as best I remember.
Segment 1: Satan comes out and explains that although Christmas is just a plagiarized hodge-podge of customs stolen from other religions with very few spiritual or altruistic overtones in modern America, he strongly supports it because it encourages humans to succumb to deadly sins such as greed and envy without any effort on his part.
Segment 2: Lincoln Park Zoo Vice President for Development Christine Zrinsky's laptop crashes in the middle of her PowerPoint presentation on Zoo Lights, the Adopt an Animal program, and some new exhibits for next year, so she holds up some Polaroids to the camera but they're kind of blurry.
Segment 3: Rachel Ray wows the crowd with an appetizer cooking demo including egg nog/bacon/guacamole dip, spicy pumpkin nachos, and candy-cane soup.
Segment 4: Kourtney Kardashian instructs female audience members on getting your post-pregnancy genitals back in healthy shape, with detailed demonstrations of daily vaginal liposuction, intense clitoral tanning, labial stapling, cervix buttressing, and general maintenance of the wear-and-tear that occurs when a woman who's had over 50 abortions carries her bastard to full-term.
Segment 5: Lady GaGa performs a booty-quaking rendition of "We Three Kings" while taking hits off of crack-pipes labeled "Gold," "Frankincense," and "Myrrh," and wearing a giant hat depicting the nativity built from thousands of Legos with live farm animals in the stable.
Segment 6: A special live satellite feed from the Oval Office showing President Obama laughing as he watches a tape of Chicago hipsters and Oprah crying at his election night appearance in Grant Park last November. Then he pauses it to sign off on a bunch of crappy legislation you would've gotten really pissed off if Bush did.
Segment 7: In a video-taped vignette, a representative from the department of sanitation takes a dozen underprivileged 1st graders on a five-hour tour of how the plumbing and sewer systems in the city operate.
Segment 8: The Manager of the Walgreens at Armitage/Milwaukee, Frank Difazio, plays "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" on the violin and talks about some new products at the store, including scotch tape, dental floss, and bottled water. The audience goes nuts when he announces everyone has a $5 gift card taped to the bottom of their seat.
Segment 9: Chris Brown performs a funky version of "The Little Drummer Boy" using girls' faces as the drums. When the song ends, the girls wipe their bloody noses and go buy his album because they think he's cute and only punches because he loves.
Segment 10: Bears Quarterback Jay Cutler is introduced and I attempt to give him a quick guitar lesson, but it's cut short because he keeps throwing picks into the audience.
Segment 11: The guy who tried to hire me to paint a mosaic of vomiting children and shitting farm animals on his portable stage performs his one-man puppet show on the dangers of food-borne pathogens such as E-coli.
Segment 12: My dad comes out and yells for me to "Shovel the God-damn driveway."
Segment 1: Satan comes out and explains that although Christmas is just a plagiarized hodge-podge of customs stolen from other religions with very few spiritual or altruistic overtones in modern America, he strongly supports it because it encourages humans to succumb to deadly sins such as greed and envy without any effort on his part.
Segment 2: Lincoln Park Zoo Vice President for Development Christine Zrinsky's laptop crashes in the middle of her PowerPoint presentation on Zoo Lights, the Adopt an Animal program, and some new exhibits for next year, so she holds up some Polaroids to the camera but they're kind of blurry.
Segment 3: Rachel Ray wows the crowd with an appetizer cooking demo including egg nog/bacon/guacamole dip, spicy pumpkin nachos, and candy-cane soup.
Segment 4: Kourtney Kardashian instructs female audience members on getting your post-pregnancy genitals back in healthy shape, with detailed demonstrations of daily vaginal liposuction, intense clitoral tanning, labial stapling, cervix buttressing, and general maintenance of the wear-and-tear that occurs when a woman who's had over 50 abortions carries her bastard to full-term.
Segment 5: Lady GaGa performs a booty-quaking rendition of "We Three Kings" while taking hits off of crack-pipes labeled "Gold," "Frankincense," and "Myrrh," and wearing a giant hat depicting the nativity built from thousands of Legos with live farm animals in the stable.
Segment 6: A special live satellite feed from the Oval Office showing President Obama laughing as he watches a tape of Chicago hipsters and Oprah crying at his election night appearance in Grant Park last November. Then he pauses it to sign off on a bunch of crappy legislation you would've gotten really pissed off if Bush did.
Segment 7: In a video-taped vignette, a representative from the department of sanitation takes a dozen underprivileged 1st graders on a five-hour tour of how the plumbing and sewer systems in the city operate.
Segment 8: The Manager of the Walgreens at Armitage/Milwaukee, Frank Difazio, plays "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" on the violin and talks about some new products at the store, including scotch tape, dental floss, and bottled water. The audience goes nuts when he announces everyone has a $5 gift card taped to the bottom of their seat.
Segment 9: Chris Brown performs a funky version of "The Little Drummer Boy" using girls' faces as the drums. When the song ends, the girls wipe their bloody noses and go buy his album because they think he's cute and only punches because he loves.
Segment 10: Bears Quarterback Jay Cutler is introduced and I attempt to give him a quick guitar lesson, but it's cut short because he keeps throwing picks into the audience.
Segment 11: The guy who tried to hire me to paint a mosaic of vomiting children and shitting farm animals on his portable stage performs his one-man puppet show on the dangers of food-borne pathogens such as E-coli.
Segment 12: My dad comes out and yells for me to "Shovel the God-damn driveway."