"The Running Man is my new favorite film." --Jerry

"I hate that place. They are making me take pole-dancing lessons on Sunday." --Katie

"Just saw a big fat red-headed teenager fall on his face when he jumped in the air to impress his girlfriend. Funny as hell." --Eric

"Status update-- 'Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it, I don't feel like going to the bathroom, so I'll just piss and shit in my pants.'"--John

"Are all librarians bitches, or just the ones at the Wicker Park location?" --Jaime

"Way to set a record, Cutler! Most picks in a season for a Bears QB in like 60 years." -Chris

"What are some funny names you can say with the word 'cock' in them? Because I want to call Cutler one right now. Thanks." --Kathleen

"Killer Klowns from Outer Space is totally on the U right now." --Stephanie

"Just caught a lizard in my apartment. That was weird." --Jim

"Eating at the Wafflehouse in Kentucky. Scary." --Eric

"Are you actively avoiding me? I'm beginning to think so." --Becky

"We don't know who Dave is, but we grow closer to him through the act of hanging out." --Jerry

“My parents are buying us a new floor lamp for the living room.” --Katie

“You're sure that's cool? That lamp is broken.” --Katie

“It's just broken.” --Katie

“No, the lights work, just need more and better light.” --Katie

"So do you think you're going to watch 'Angel?' Because if you're going to watch it in conjunction with 'Buffy,' it's almost decision time." --Stephanie

"Isn't it funny how the stupid people breed at record numbers? I've always been disturbed by that, and then Mike Judge made a movie about it." --Jim

"I'm pretty sure a drunk girl at the bus stop just knocked out her tooth. She fell twice. Whoops." --Ashley

"I titled the paper 'The Perpetuation of Vaginal Irrigation in the U.S. Nation.'" -Ashley

"I'm with people who are getting really into a Lady GaGa song. Do you think anyone delivers lengths of rope, cyanide, and razor blades? I don't want to mess up." --Ashley

"I'm at a bar where Nancy Grace is being played! I love Wisconsin!" --Ashley

"You know you've had a good day when you take a number two in the men's room at Wendy's." -Ashley

"I just heard someone say that 'there is more to the nativity story than the surface level.' Seriously? I wish I had gills and lived in the desert." --Ashley

"Know how I know the flu has taken over my whole life? I'm getting emotional over a Janet Jackson song from Rhythm Nation." --Ashley

"My roommate and I just bought Family Dollar. It turns out that when you spend over $50 they give you the whole store." --Ashley

"My least appropriate contribution to class today-- 'You're not gay because your uncle fucked you, and because you're gay doesn't mean your uncle fucked you.'" --Ashley

"The bus literally smells like shit. Like, someone may have used the bathroom in their pants." --Ashley